K0rN_b4LL
[14] Master
What's the difference between being hungry and being horny?
Where you put the cucumber.
Where you put the cucumber.
Jokes thread
- Thread starter Blade_edge
- Start date
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
I see the Russian army is now conducting drills on Finland's border.
Or as Putin calls it, "window shopping".
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Saying that electronic cigarettes may be a gateway to children smoking tobacco is like saying that lollipops might be a gateway to them sucking cock.
Or as Putin calls it, "window shopping".
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Saying that electronic cigarettes may be a gateway to children smoking tobacco is like saying that lollipops might be a gateway to them sucking cock.
K0rN_b4LL
[14] Master
A man with a gun walks into a bar. "Who the fuck had sex with my wife?" he snarled.
A voice from the back of the bar said "You don't have enough bullets mate!"
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A voice from the back of the bar said "You don't have enough bullets mate!"
---
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
Want know what it's like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
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Today on Loose Women: A group of middle-aged, multi-millionaire women with their own TV show tell us how unfair life is.
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Having your photo taken steals part of your soul...
Unless it's a selfie, then the damage has already been done.
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I'm not saying my wife's a fat cunt..
But the only cake she doesn't like is a stomach ache.
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The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they vote for independence.
I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.
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What's yellow and at the bottom of the Indian Ocean?
Sand, you heartless bastard.
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
---
Today on Loose Women: A group of middle-aged, multi-millionaire women with their own TV show tell us how unfair life is.
---
Having your photo taken steals part of your soul...
Unless it's a selfie, then the damage has already been done.
---
I'm not saying my wife's a fat cunt..
But the only cake she doesn't like is a stomach ache.
---
The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they vote for independence.
I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.
---
What's yellow and at the bottom of the Indian Ocean?
Sand, you heartless bastard.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
I don't bother with the Grand National any more. Last year my horse started off at 33/1 at Aintree, and ended up at 2 for 1 at Tesco.
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I see Vladimir Putin says his divorce was amicable.
It must have been. She's still alive.
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Some girl just asked me if I thought she was wearing too much make-up.
I said it depended on whether she was going to kill Batman or not.
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All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. Which is troublesome because intelligent men don't get into relationships.
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If karma really does exist, Osama bin Laden will be lying at the bottom of the sea with a plane on his head.
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I see Vladimir Putin says his divorce was amicable.
It must have been. She's still alive.
---
Some girl just asked me if I thought she was wearing too much make-up.
I said it depended on whether she was going to kill Batman or not.
---
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. Which is troublesome because intelligent men don't get into relationships.
---
If karma really does exist, Osama bin Laden will be lying at the bottom of the sea with a plane on his head.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
The Duke of Cambridge is causing controversy in Wellington over the choice of an unsafe baby car seat.
To be fair his mother didn't even know how to put on a seatbelt.
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To be fair his mother didn't even know how to put on a seatbelt.
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Following the death of Peaches Geldof, Police sources say that Poppers E's and Whiz were found in the house.
Her other sisters were out shopping.
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I've got a joke about a dead celebrity.
It's a peach.
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I could never decide whether Peaches Geldof looked more like her mum or her dad.
I guess that's settled now.
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That's one of my five a day, anyone know where Apple Martin lives?
Her other sisters were out shopping.
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I've got a joke about a dead celebrity.
It's a peach.
---
I could never decide whether Peaches Geldof looked more like her mum or her dad.
I guess that's settled now.
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That's one of my five a day, anyone know where Apple Martin lives?
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
Perhaps Peaches Geldof would have had a longer shelf life if Bob and Paula had named her Pickles.
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I think it's about time those Africans did a benefit concert in aid of Bob Geldof.
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I think it's about time those Africans did a benefit concert in aid of Bob Geldof.
K0rN_b4LL
[14] Master
Poor planning, or clever PR spin?
Project Bokuho
[14] Master
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"
Wow lol
K0rN_b4LL
[14] Master
Whenever I see a woman get pregnant women all around her always rub her belly and say "Congratulations!"
How come they never rub the guy's dick and say "Good Job"?
How come they never rub the guy's dick and say "Good Job"?
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
Old South African saying:
To maintain a perfect relationship, a woman should be a chef in the kitchen, a maid in the living room, a whore in the bedroom..
and a target in the bathroom.
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Adrian Mole author Sue Townsend has died at the age of 68 and 3/4.
To maintain a perfect relationship, a woman should be a chef in the kitchen, a maid in the living room, a whore in the bedroom..
and a target in the bathroom.
---
Adrian Mole author Sue Townsend has died at the age of 68 and 3/4.
Death_Emperor_X
[10] Knight
It wouldn't be funny to my woman. She'll cut my shit off & play with it like a hacky sack.
It's all fun & jokes till you piss her off. She'll turn into like those scary ass demonic poltergeist & have me crying like a little bitch in a corner. You feel me, so far? Far away you'll hear the screams of murder, then just like that, it goes silent. Slowly I'll hear the foot steps of doom getting closer & closer.
Have you ever known a girl who always smiles & has a cheery mood? Imagine someone like that coming for your balls with a pair of scissors, snipping away real fast as she gets closer. Then it's funny to her.
Death_Emperor_X
[10] Knight
A non-tryhard joke about marriage that was just as shitty as any, perhaps? Just need that fake ass laughing background noise. Not sure how any joke around here is actually funny, or if DEX does not have a humor. I'm pretty sure I do, I just can't seem to laugh at anything in here for some reason.
To actually try, lets see...
I went down to BK one morning, took my cousin along with me. We were in our younger teens, so this was a while back. It was really early in the morning, the BK just literally opened with a couple fat asses at the front door. My cousin was a wimp that was scared to order everything we had to get, because it wasn't just ours, it was the for the whole family back at home. We get to the cashier person, my cousins first expression was a look away with shameful humiliation.
I said our order: "21 breakfast sandwiches, & 3 cheese tots". The cashier looks at me with big fuckin cow eyes & says "21 CHEESE TOTS?!?", The cook in the back goes "Holy Shit!" & makes haste to the back. That alone was pretty embarrassing. So in my head, I'm sayin "lol, No dumbass...." but said "No, 21 breakfast sandwiches". Once all that was over with, we wait for our order that took 8 mins, which I didn't mind. Our order was big. We got our order, which was 4 bags, & we had to carry that shit home. We must of looked like pure fat asses, carrying 4 bags of BK, really early in the damn morning.
To actually try, lets see...
I went down to BK one morning, took my cousin along with me. We were in our younger teens, so this was a while back. It was really early in the morning, the BK just literally opened with a couple fat asses at the front door. My cousin was a wimp that was scared to order everything we had to get, because it wasn't just ours, it was the for the whole family back at home. We get to the cashier person, my cousins first expression was a look away with shameful humiliation.
I said our order: "21 breakfast sandwiches, & 3 cheese tots". The cashier looks at me with big fuckin cow eyes & says "21 CHEESE TOTS?!?", The cook in the back goes "Holy Shit!" & makes haste to the back. That alone was pretty embarrassing. So in my head, I'm sayin "lol, No dumbass...." but said "No, 21 breakfast sandwiches". Once all that was over with, we wait for our order that took 8 mins, which I didn't mind. Our order was big. We got our order, which was 4 bags, & we had to carry that shit home. We must of looked like pure fat asses, carrying 4 bags of BK, really early in the damn morning.
K0rN_b4LL
[14] Master
That's less of a joke and more of a life story.
An Arab man caused a bit of a stir on an airplane the other day.
He happened to see his friend Jack sitting a few rows in front of him so he yelled "Hi Jack!"
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"One man's trash is another man's treasure" is a good phrase to live by,
but it isn't such a great way to tell your child that they are adopted.
An Arab man caused a bit of a stir on an airplane the other day.
He happened to see his friend Jack sitting a few rows in front of him so he yelled "Hi Jack!"
---
"One man's trash is another man's treasure" is a good phrase to live by,
but it isn't such a great way to tell your child that they are adopted.
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Death_Emperor_X
[10] Knight
All that was made up, I wasn't serious.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
What's the best thing for getting chewing gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
Cancer.
K0rN_b4LL
[14] Master
I'm really sick of all the people in this world who think its ok to lie about things to get out of trouble. Don't they ever think about what those lies might cause?
For example, I heard about this one lady who lied to her husband about how she got pregnant. Next thing you know there is a whole fucking religion!
For example, I heard about this one lady who lied to her husband about how she got pregnant. Next thing you know there is a whole fucking religion!
Nyte
Fu-ma's Shadow
"You hit me under any circumstance, even in self-defense, that's abuse and is morally wrong. If I hit you, it's because you pissed me off and you deserved it."
-All women, if they were honest.
-All women, if they were honest.
K0rN_b4LL
[14] Master
There is a new drinking game called Oscar Pitorius.
Everyone starts drinking beer, and when someone goes to the bathroom everyone else takes 4 shots.
Everyone starts drinking beer, and when someone goes to the bathroom everyone else takes 4 shots.
Project Bokuho
[14] Master
A man is sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous, sexy, young woman enters. The man can’t stop staring at her. The young woman notices this and walks directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman says to him, "I'll do anything you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, with one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asks what the condition is. The young woman replies, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man considers her proposition for a moment, withdraws his wallet from his pocket, and hands the woman five $20 bills. He looks deeply into her eyes and slowly says, "Paint my house."