Jokes thread

I read that Jimmy Savile and Gary Glitter had a major falling-out in the 70s.

They almost went their separate ways, but decided to stay together for the kids.
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Abu Hamza, Abu Qatada, Anjem Choudary, Omar Bakri Muhammad and Hassan M. Abukar:

The five pillocks of Islam.
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My wife asked me, "On a scale of one to ten, how much do you love me?"

I replied, "I'm still counting the zeroes."

"Wow! That much?" She beamed.

"Yeah, it's a pretty big decimal."
 
Bono has announced a charity single in aid of the families involved in missing Malaysia flight MH370.

He is going to re-release U2's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For".
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On a scale of Chris Brown to Oscar Pistorius, how dangerous is your boyfriend?
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I hate violence against women.

I prefer to call it violence for men.
 
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I pulled my cock out of this fat girl's arse, then she turned over, spread her legs revealing her sweaty, hairy minge, and said, "Are you going to eat that?"

"Your pussy?" I asked, disgusted.

"No, that," she replied, pointing at the sweetcorn on my knob.
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"Scientists discover female insect that has a penis".

Bet it originates from Thailand.
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When Jewish boys are born they get circumcised.

Because, apparently, God made a mistake.
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If you're walking past an anorexic person in the street, turn sidewards balancing along the narrow curb as you pass them, to make their day.
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A minute's silence for the recently deceased isn't very respectful.

More like an imitation.
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Yesterday was the anniversary of the crucifiction.

And no, that's not a spelling mistake.
 
Why do Muslims cut off girls clits?

They don't want them to have bigger cocks than them.
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Easter Sunday, the most important day in the Christian calendar.

The day God created the chocolate egg.
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The last time Liverpool won the league, Jon Flanagan's mum & dad were still just brother and sister.
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Invited to a fancy dress party, I told the wife "I'm just going to drag-up in a skirt and go as you."

"Don't talk daft." She said. "You'll look ridiculous, you fat cunt."

"Exactly."
 
My wife went camping when she was on her period and, unfortunately, attracted a bear.

She ripped the poor thing's head off.
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8 killed in Finland parachutist plane crash.

I feel their pain, my brother drowned on a ship transporting life boats.
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As I snuggled up to my boyfriend on the sofa, I whispered in his ear that I wanted to marry him.

He shot through the door quicker than Oscar Pistorius.
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My wife found my stash of lesbian porn but that cool because we are lesbians.

Gay marriage is gonna screw up so many jokes.
 
Three North Korean workers are imprisoned together and they ask each other what they are in for. The first man says "I was always ten minutes late to work so I was accused of sabatoge." The second man said "I was always ten minutes early to work so I was accused of espionage." The third man said "I always got to work on time so I was accused of having a South Korean watch."
 
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
 
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decided to try it out at dinner. He asks his son "What did you do this afternoon?" The son replied "I did my homework." The robot slaps the son. "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies." The father asked "What movie were you watching?" The son replied "Toy Story." The robot slaps him again. "Alright, we were watching porn." The father said "What? At your age I didn't even know what up porn was." Then the robot slaps the father. The mother starts laughing and says "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.

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This one time at church my brother said he would give me $10 if while the priest was throwing the holy water around on everyone I got up, hissed and yelled "IT BUUUUURRRRNNNSSSS!"

Do you know how many emails I got from angry Christians in my inbox? 666

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What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

He wipes his butt! :p
 
The Australian version of 'Who Do You Think You Are?' is called 'What Do You Think He Did?'

(PS, sorry all Aussie SC players. XD)
 
People are saying that sperm has terrific anti-wrinkle properties.

But if that were true, with the amount of wanking I do my bed would probably make itself.
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UKIP leader Nigel Farage has predicted "an earthquake" in politics if his party wins the European elections.

I thought the official UKIP stance was that earthquakes are caused by gay marriage.
 
There I was, listening to the guided audio tour when I smelt something funny.

"Can you smell Gas?" I asked my friend. Of course, because I had headphones in I may have said it a little loud.

And that was how my Auschwitz tour ended.
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If a picture paints a thousand words, then a half naked selfie on Facebook paints the words 'Attention whore' 500 times.
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Facebook needs a 'Stalk' button.
 
I'm starting up a new produce company in Ethiopia.

It will be called "Food Ltd."
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Just had a Jewish design tattoo done on my arm.

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I saw my midget neighbor at the bus stop and said "Hop in, I'll give you a lift."

The ungrateful bastard said "Fuck off!" So I zipped up my backpack and kept walking.

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What is the best thing for getting chewing gun out of your hair?

Cancer
 
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My wife was so ugly as a child the local paedophile used to eat his own sweets.
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What do you get if you cross a Hillsborough victim with a Holocaust survivor?

A sense of perspective.
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I still can't believe Katie Price and Dwight Yorke are no longer a couple.

What they had together was so special.
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I see the U.S. will provide financial aid to Ukraine if the leaders confront corruption.

Because if anything stops corruption, it's bribing someone to stop corruption.
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Bruce Forsyth would have been in court on child abuse charges but he's that old all his victims have died.
 
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