K0rN_b4LL
[14] Master
What did you call two nuns and a cheerleader?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Jokes thread
- Thread starter Blade_edge
- Start date
K0rN_b4LL
[14] Master
Last night thieves broke into the local police station.
They stole all of the toilets and left the police nothing to go on.
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They stole all of the toilets and left the police nothing to go on.
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K0rN_b4LL
[14] Master
A man dialed 911 thinking his wife was dead.
Operator: What is the nature of your emergency?
Husband: I think my wife is dead.
Operator: What makes you think that, sir?
Husband: Well, the sex is the same but the ironing is piling up!
Operator: What is the nature of your emergency?
Husband: I think my wife is dead.
Operator: What makes you think that, sir?
Husband: Well, the sex is the same but the ironing is piling up!
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
Less than 100 years ago black people were traded like commodities, women were treated like second class citizens and the disabled were caged in asylums.
Where did it all go wrong?
Where did it all go wrong?
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
Comic and former psychiatric nurse Jo Brand has accused The X Factor and Britain's Got Talent of exploiting people with mental health problems.
The viewers, mainly.
The viewers, mainly.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
WH Smith - they charge a penny for a bag because they are trying to be 'environmentally friendly', then they give you a whole trees worth of receipts and special offer vouchers.
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Tempted to poke holes in my dad's condoms so someone else can do the fucking washing up.
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Scientists have finally agreed that the closest we will ever get to perpetual motion is the Palestine/Israeli conflict.
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The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.
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If I pull a stupid face when I cum, is there a split second when a spastic cums that they pull a normal face?
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Tempted to poke holes in my dad's condoms so someone else can do the fucking washing up.
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Scientists have finally agreed that the closest we will ever get to perpetual motion is the Palestine/Israeli conflict.
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The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.
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If I pull a stupid face when I cum, is there a split second when a spastic cums that they pull a normal face?
K0rN_b4LL
[14] Master
Father: You took my daughter's virginity!!!
Boyfriend: I'm sorry sir. I promise, it won't happen again.
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Four men are talking at their high school reunion. One of them heads to the bathroom while the other three talk about how successful their sons are.
Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a car dealership and just gave his best friend a Ferrari.
Guy 2: That's nothing. My son is so successful he owns an airline and have his best friend a private jet.
Guy 3: That's still nothing. My son is so successful he owns an architecture firm and gave his best friend a mansion.
The fourth guy comes back from the bathroom...
Guy 4: What are you guys talking about?
Guy 1: We were talking about how successful our sons are.
Guy 4: My gay son is so successful he got a Ferrari, a private jet, and a mansion from his three boyfriends!
Boyfriend: I'm sorry sir. I promise, it won't happen again.
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Four men are talking at their high school reunion. One of them heads to the bathroom while the other three talk about how successful their sons are.
Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a car dealership and just gave his best friend a Ferrari.
Guy 2: That's nothing. My son is so successful he owns an airline and have his best friend a private jet.
Guy 3: That's still nothing. My son is so successful he owns an architecture firm and gave his best friend a mansion.
The fourth guy comes back from the bathroom...
Guy 4: What are you guys talking about?
Guy 1: We were talking about how successful our sons are.
Guy 4: My gay son is so successful he got a Ferrari, a private jet, and a mansion from his three boyfriends!
K0rN_b4LL
[14] Master
I organized a threesome last night.
There were a couple of no-shows, but the rest of us still had a good time.
There were a couple of no-shows, but the rest of us still had a good time.
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BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
I've just read that actor Orlando Bloom punched Justin Bieber last night during an argument at a nightclub in Spain.
Orlando complained that his hand was pretty sore today.
Apparently the entire nightclub had queued up to high-five him.
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For anyone unclear with who Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber are here is a brief description.
Orlando Bloom is a 37 year old English actor best known for his roles in The Lord Of The Rings trilogy and Pirates Of The Caribbean. He also had roles in the award wining films 'Black Hawk Down', 'Troy' and 'Kingdom of Heaven'
And Justin Bieber is a cunt.
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When the inventor of the USB stick dies they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
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I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realised people just don't like spending time with me.
Orlando complained that his hand was pretty sore today.
Apparently the entire nightclub had queued up to high-five him.
---
For anyone unclear with who Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber are here is a brief description.
Orlando Bloom is a 37 year old English actor best known for his roles in The Lord Of The Rings trilogy and Pirates Of The Caribbean. He also had roles in the award wining films 'Black Hawk Down', 'Troy' and 'Kingdom of Heaven'
And Justin Bieber is a cunt.
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When the inventor of the USB stick dies they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
---
I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realised people just don't like spending time with me.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
Thanks to Orlando Bloom for finally giving the world a Justin Bieber hit we can all enjoy.
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Orlando Bloom punched Justin Bieber.
Bieber was stunned.
He thought a fist was only for his arse.
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I was sticking my hand up in the air with one finger raised,when the cab pulled over.
"Where are you headed?" he asked.
"Liverpool street."I said.
"Jump in," he said.
"Do you accept Oyster mate? I asked.
"Since when do cabs accept oyster cards you idiot," he said, clearly annoyed.
"Exactly," I replied, "So fuck off so the bus behind you can pull in."
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Shame on Orlando Bloom for punching Justin Bieber.
No matter what the circumstances are, it is never acceptable for a man to hit a woman.
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I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night.
I wanted my first time to be special.
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Orlando Bloom punched Justin Bieber.
Bieber was stunned.
He thought a fist was only for his arse.
---
I was sticking my hand up in the air with one finger raised,when the cab pulled over.
"Where are you headed?" he asked.
"Liverpool street."I said.
"Jump in," he said.
"Do you accept Oyster mate? I asked.
"Since when do cabs accept oyster cards you idiot," he said, clearly annoyed.
"Exactly," I replied, "So fuck off so the bus behind you can pull in."
---
Shame on Orlando Bloom for punching Justin Bieber.
No matter what the circumstances are, it is never acceptable for a man to hit a woman.
---
I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night.
I wanted my first time to be special.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
What's the difference between Ebola and Tulisa?
Ebola will finish you off.
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The judge in the Bernie Ecclestone trial has homes in New York, Beverley Hills and Monaco.
Now.
Ebola will finish you off.
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The judge in the Bernie Ecclestone trial has homes in New York, Beverley Hills and Monaco.
Now.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
So the President of Nigeria wants to contain the spread of the Ebola virus.
Goodluck Jonathan.
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How do you find a nigger?
Guilty.
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I ejaculated six feet earlier.
Strange, I usually ejaculate semen.
Goodluck Jonathan.
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How do you find a nigger?
Guilty.
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I ejaculated six feet earlier.
Strange, I usually ejaculate semen.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
I'm not going to make any cheap, boxing/sex change puns about Boxing promoter Frank Maloney's gender reassignment.
That'd be below the belt.
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My hoover doesn't suck as well as it used to.
It must have got married.
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I'm surprised that Katie Price's vagina hasn't been featured on George Clarke's amazing spaces.
That'd be below the belt.
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My hoover doesn't suck as well as it used to.
It must have got married.
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I'm surprised that Katie Price's vagina hasn't been featured on George Clarke's amazing spaces.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
The Family Guy episode where Peter can turn people into Robin Williams was on an hour before Robin Williams was found dead.
Here's hoping the Justin Bieber episode is on tomorrow.
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So if in 2040 Robin Williams suddenly reappears again, we know he was just trapped in a board game the whole time.
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How to start an argument online:
1. Express an opinion.
2. Wait.
Here's hoping the Justin Bieber episode is on tomorrow.
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So if in 2040 Robin Williams suddenly reappears again, we know he was just trapped in a board game the whole time.
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How to start an argument online:
1. Express an opinion.
2. Wait.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
Parents are worried about two things these days:
1. What their sons download.
2. What their daughters upload.
1. What their sons download.
2. What their daughters upload.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
Semen rubbed into your face makes you look younger...
... Doesn't it, Cliff?
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By all means attend the birth of your child, but do not head down towards the business end of the birth.
It's like watching your favourite pub go up in flames.
... Doesn't it, Cliff?
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By all means attend the birth of your child, but do not head down towards the business end of the birth.
It's like watching your favourite pub go up in flames.
K0rN_b4LL
[14] Master
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
Scientists in Japan say that by the end of this year they're going to be growing human organs in pigs and transplanting them into humans.
The irony's obviously lost on them.
They're going to give you a new heart grown in a pig to replace the old one which got clogged up from eating too much bacon and sausage.
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It seems like that we will soon be able to grow hearts for transplants grown in pigs.
Muslim? Serious heart defect and dying? Oh dear, you can't have one.
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Hitler may have killed 6 million Jews, but he sure as fucking hell saved the History channel.
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My parents always used to sit and listen to Cliff Richard when I was younger.
Instead of actually coming in my room and stopping him.
The irony's obviously lost on them.
They're going to give you a new heart grown in a pig to replace the old one which got clogged up from eating too much bacon and sausage.
---
It seems like that we will soon be able to grow hearts for transplants grown in pigs.
Muslim? Serious heart defect and dying? Oh dear, you can't have one.
---
Hitler may have killed 6 million Jews, but he sure as fucking hell saved the History channel.
---
My parents always used to sit and listen to Cliff Richard when I was younger.
Instead of actually coming in my room and stopping him.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
What type of grapes do Indians like?
Gangrapes.
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Julian Assange has had two years to come up with a good disguise, and all he's done is grow a beard.
He needs to take some lessons from Frank Maloney.
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Cilla Black: "Cliff Richard never tried anything on with me"
Of course he didn't:
1) You're a woman.
2) You're 70 years too old for him.
3) You look like a ginger horse sucking a lemon.
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What's the difference between Mark Knopfler and Cliff Richard?
One's in Dire Straits. The other's in deep shit.
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Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you'd shoot him too.
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If you're going to diagnose yourself with OCD, how many times do you have to do that to be sure?
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Last year the police received around one million calls regarding domestic abuse which means potentially 1 in 30 women are being abused. This is a terrifying statistic as it means potentially 29 in 30 women don't know their place.
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Tulisa is set to rejoin X Factor this year helping Louis Walsh out.
I would have thought she was sick of seeing judges this year.
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News just in: Recent rioting in Ferguson USA is just a viral marketing campaign for the new Planet of the Apes film.
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What would happen to Pinocchio's nose if he said, "My nose will now grow"?
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So MMA fighter War Machine assaulted his porn star ex-girlfriend Christy Mack after finding her in bed with another man.
If you think about it, technically they were both just doing their job.
Gangrapes.
---
Julian Assange has had two years to come up with a good disguise, and all he's done is grow a beard.
He needs to take some lessons from Frank Maloney.
---
Cilla Black: "Cliff Richard never tried anything on with me"
Of course he didn't:
1) You're a woman.
2) You're 70 years too old for him.
3) You look like a ginger horse sucking a lemon.
---
What's the difference between Mark Knopfler and Cliff Richard?
One's in Dire Straits. The other's in deep shit.
---
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you'd shoot him too.
---
If you're going to diagnose yourself with OCD, how many times do you have to do that to be sure?
---
Last year the police received around one million calls regarding domestic abuse which means potentially 1 in 30 women are being abused. This is a terrifying statistic as it means potentially 29 in 30 women don't know their place.
---
Tulisa is set to rejoin X Factor this year helping Louis Walsh out.
I would have thought she was sick of seeing judges this year.
---
News just in: Recent rioting in Ferguson USA is just a viral marketing campaign for the new Planet of the Apes film.
---
What would happen to Pinocchio's nose if he said, "My nose will now grow"?
---
So MMA fighter War Machine assaulted his porn star ex-girlfriend Christy Mack after finding her in bed with another man.
If you think about it, technically they were both just doing their job.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
Fair play to the guy who invented Copy & Paste.
Ironically an original idea.
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Insurance company "Sheila's Wheels" apparently wants pink coloured driving lanes for women only, because 114.190 men were involved in traffic accidents as opposed to 70,470 women.
By that logic, we should have separate lanes for drunk people because in only 17% of all traffic accidents, alcohol was involved.
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If anyone ever tells you they've lost their voice, they're lying.
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The word stifle is an anagram of itself.
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Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times.
That actually beats a record set by my dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea chair together.
Ironically an original idea.
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Insurance company "Sheila's Wheels" apparently wants pink coloured driving lanes for women only, because 114.190 men were involved in traffic accidents as opposed to 70,470 women.
By that logic, we should have separate lanes for drunk people because in only 17% of all traffic accidents, alcohol was involved.
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If anyone ever tells you they've lost their voice, they're lying.
---
The word stifle is an anagram of itself.
---
Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times.
That actually beats a record set by my dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea chair together.