Jokes thread

Dump a bucket of Starbucks iced coffee on yourself to raise awareness for the city girls who have lost the ability to "even".

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If I see one more girl create a profile for their unborn child, I will not hesitate to make a profile as a wire coat hanger and poke it.

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The CIA have nominated ISIS, Al-Qaeda and Boko Haram for the ASL Ice Bucket Challenge.

Or waterboarding, as it was once known.
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I see that doctor with Ebola has been released from hospital and is well again.

Didn't take them long to find a cure once a white guy got it.
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Don't put all my eggs in one basket?

Nice try, basket industry.
 
Millions of pounds have been spent on campaigning by both sides in the Scottish independence referendum, but the fact is, the result will be determined by whether or not Braveheart is on telly the night before the vote.
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I walked into the bathroom whilst my teenage daughter was masturbating.

I say walked in, it was more like I broke the fucking door down.
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If the independence referendum passes would that see the remainder of the UK walk away Scot-free?
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Apparently scientists have found female hormones in beer.

They observed that after they gave three men twelve pints, suddenly they talked shit, gained weight and couldn't drive.
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What's pink and sounds terrible?

Pink.
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My daughter got sent home from school in Rotherham for saying something racist:

"No."
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Muslim soldiers waving Kalashnikovs about?

Soft cunts. Little girls have uzis in America.
 
Going by Wayne Rooney's form...

He couldn't score in Rotherham if he was outside a kebab shop dressed as a 6 year old girl.
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Barack Obama has "brought shame to the nation" by wearing a tan suit to a press conference instead of more traditional attire.

What do they want? Chains and a collar?
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Reports suggest that critically ill Joan Rivers is about to meet her maker...

Dr. Victor Frankenstein.
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When you are in love, wonders happen.

But once you get married, you wonder what the fuck happened.
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My girlfriend was really shouting at me.

"Listen babe, don't get angry, get even," I suggested.

"And how do I do that?!" she demanded.

"I'll let you finger MY sister..."
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Women are like squaring numbers.

If they are under 13, just do them in your head.
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The Ice Bucket challenge is very much like the Police Academy movie series:

It gets even less funny every time you see a new one.
 
So someone on 4Chan has released hacked nude photos of celebrities including Jennifer Lawrence, the Olson twins and Mila Kunis.

On the one hand, this is a disgraceful invasion of privacy but, on the other hand...

...well, that hand is busy.
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I prayed to Jesus Christ our Lord that I would win the Lotto and I won a tenner.

To all you atheists out there, I think that both proves He exists and that he was a Jew.
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The body of the hacker of the Jennifer Lawrence photos was found earlier.

He's apparently the first man to be hi-fived to death.
 
I was watching porn and there was an ad in the sidebar that said, "Want a bigger cock???!"

Yes, that's why I'm watching porn.
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I see that Kate Moss charged £15,000 a plate for her 'Support Bulimia' fundraiser dinner.

For most of the A-List ladies, that'll be the most expensive meal they've ever thrown up.
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Chris Brown has some hits and misses. But mostly he just hits his misses.
 
In Korea if you want to marry a woman you have to beat her father in an RPG.

In Afghanistan if you want to marry a woman you have to shoot her father with an RPG.

In Russia, RPG marries you.

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So Jesus walks into an inn. He hands the innkeeper 3 nails and asks "Can you put me up for the night?"
 
On one hand I feel bad for Jennifer Lawrence for those leaked nudes. But on the other hand....well that hand is busy.
 
Which is an Islamic trait?

A. heading
B. heading
C. heading
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The parents of Ashya King may well have escaped prosecution now for kidnapping their own child. But just wait til they get home and find they've been fined for him not attending school.
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Malaysia Airlines has provoked a storm of controversy by asking customers to list the things that they would most like to do before they die.

1. Land at my destination.
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I had a right good wank over those leaks on the weekend.

That'll teach them, for making me work in the vegetable aisle.
 
Breaking news, Joan Rivers has attempted the ice bucket challenge, but she slipped and kicked it instead.
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Joan Rivers died doing what she loved...

Having surgery performed on her.
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It's not all bad news for the family of the late Joan Rivers.

At least they won't need an embalmer.
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The good news about Joan Rivers' death is that the body can go straight to Madame Tussauds.
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The family of Joan Rivers have announced that her funeral can't take place for two weeks.

Next week is garden waste and plastic recycling isn't until the week after.
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I feel sorry for Joan Rivers' family.

Their plastic recycling bin is already full.
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It's completely wrong that everyone is saying Joan Rivers should be 'put in a recycling bin'.

Everyone knows you can't recycle old plastic bags.
 
Tributaries are pouring in for Joan Rivers.
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Joan Rivers is like an Iceland lasagne:

More plastic than meat and soon to be put in the oven.
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A guy walked in to my insurance brokers yesterday to try and claim for his 25k Porno collection which he said had been lost in a house fire.

"Do you have proof of purchase" I asked?

"Nope" he said.

Do you have any photographs of the items prior to the incident?

"Sorry no" he replied.

"Then how do I know that this isn't some sort of scam"? I asked.

He reached into his wallet and pulled out a picture of his wife.

I didn't even charge him his excess.
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Studies show 3 out of 4 women will experience some kind of sexual assault during their lifetime, so if you are not one of the 3 you obviously need to lose weight.
 
In Korea if you want to marry a woman you have to beat her father in an RPG.

In Afghanistan if you want to marry a woman you have to shoot her father with an RPG.

In Russia, RPG marries you.

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So Jesus walks into an inn. He hands the innkeeper 3 nails and asks "Can you put me up for the night?"

These racist jokes aren't funny or appreciated.
 
Which is an Islamic trait?

A. heading
B. heading
C. heading
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The parents of Ashya King may well have escaped prosecution now for kidnapping their own child. But just wait til they get home and find they've been fined for him not attending school.
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Malaysia Airlines has provoked a storm of controversy by asking customers to list the things that they would most like to do before they die.

1. Land at my destination.
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I had a right good wank over those leaks on the weekend.

That'll teach them, for making me work in the vegetable aisle.

Again, plz refrain from racsim. As someone who is of Asian ancestry. These jokes aren't funny but offensive.
 
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