Jokes thread

I think female nipples are the only things that get hotter as they get cold.
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With the release of the iPhone 6, Apple have announced that they'll recycle its used products for free.

Which isn't to be confused with the other thing that Apple usually does - recycling the same old idea for £600.
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In divorce, women have all the right and men have all the lefts:

Left homeless.

Left penniless.

Left childless.

Left for another man.
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I recently started a company that sold gold-plated butt plugs.

Everything was going fine until Apple sued me for stealing their idea of selling overpriced crap for assholes.
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I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince a chicken fried this rice.
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In America, flipping the bird means an offensive gesture using your middle finger.

In Britain, flipping the bird means it's time for anal.

Rihanna is rumoured to be launching a new TV talent show this Autumn.

It's called The Ex Smacked 'Er.
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I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.
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Why have no women ever been sent to the moon?

It doesn't need cleaning yet.

The benefits of joining ISIS:

* A new identity.

* Intense religious indoctrination.

* A virgin bride to marry.

Oh, sorry... That's Scientology.
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Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Neither, it's my new iPhone.
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I told my wife that she has to buy me a Father's Day present.

I mean, why should I suffer just because she had a miscarriage?

Regarding music, there's good news and there's bad news.

The good news is that there are actually girls who don't like One Direction.

The bad news is that they're called "Beliebers".

I hate when I go shopping for ORGANIC vegetables and I get home and they are just REGULAR donuts.

Nice try, Clooney "wedding".

I know a casino heist when I see one.
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I thought Match.com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it's a website to find love.

So I was close.
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The BBC is the DFS of sex abuse:

Abuse now, pay in thirty years.
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"You haven't completed the 'Sexual Orientation' box," said the interviewer.

"I know," I replied, "I didn't understand the question."

"Well," he explained, "if you find women sexually attractive, you are heterosexual. If it's men, you're homosexual. If you find both attractive, you're bisexual. And if you aren't attracted to men or women, you are asexual."

"Put down 'asexual' then" I replied, gazing longingly at his border collie.
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Tom and Jerry cartoons on Amazon Instant Prime are being accompanied by a warning that they may depict scenes of racism.

It's about time. The display of blatant anti-cat prejudice in some of them is disgraceful.
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A Muslim schoolgirl is complaining that she has been excluded from her Camden school for wearing a veil.

Ironically, if she lived in a Muslim country she could wear a veil to her heart's content, she just wouldn't be allowed to go to school.
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So the US is to send 3,000 troops to help combat Ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don't know what Ebola is?
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It's certainly been a bad week for fruit.

Blackberry's handset sales are down even further, Jason Orange leaves Take That, Apple's latest iPhone update goes pear shaped, and a giant plum forgets part of his speech at the Labour Party Conference.
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Americans: "You cannot change the 2nd Amendment".

Do they even know what amendment actually means?!

I asked my doctor if it was normal for guys to get an erection when he sticks his finger up their ass during a prostate exam.

"Yes," he replied, "but your the first one to grab my wrist and ride it reverse cowgirl. "
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After my mate killed my wife in a car accident, I told him, "You'll never know how this feels."

Then he proved me wrong by winning the lottery.
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I don't understand why all the religious people are whining about the abuse I give them on the internet.

Why don't they just pray for me to stop?

Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples.

"Thirteen glasses of water, please," Jesus said to the barman, winking at the others.

I will never have a threesome.

If I want to disappoint two people at once I'll just go have dinner with my parents.

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I'm not saying my girlfriend's fat but she contracted the flesh-eating Ebola virus and it gave up.
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My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.

I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest DVD box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.
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A Jewish guy punched me in the face at Silverstone today.

All I did was tell him I was part of the Mazda race.
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They say air traffic controller is the toughest job in the world.

I disagree, I think it's editing Top of the Pops repeats.
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I was walking down a street when the woman in front of me dropped her bags. She asked me for help.

"Of course I'll help," I said to her, "With how beautiful you are, I bet you can get a man to do anything."

She giggled and flirted back by touching my arm and saying, "With how strong you are, I bet you can get a woman to do anything."

I laughed and said, "Yes, I can actually."

Then I raped her.
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You've got to feel a bit of sympathy for Justin Bieber.

He's been to every single Justin Bieber concert.

Studies show that the sight of a woman's cleavage can reduce a man's ability to think by 50%

- for each boob.

I got a free computer today from Curry's.

"My wife's got a virus and wants a new computer. "I said,

"Just buy virus software, " the assistant replied.

"Why? Will it help with Ebola? " I said.

Anyway, after the place had emptied I just helped myself.
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A bad workman blames his fools

EDIT: *tools

stupid keyboard.

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick,

especially since his name is Steve.

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How do you make a hormone?

Just don't pay her.

First woman on the Moon:

"Houston, we have a problem."

"What?"

"Never mind."

"What's the problem?"

"Nothing."

"Please tell us?"

"You know what the problem is!"
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Poland are 2-0 up against Germany!

They still need another 5,999,998 more to level after the first leg.
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A medical student has been arrested as a suspect Jihadist because he tweeted 'Oi lads, I smell war!'.

If he'd just left out the word 'war', he would have still aroused suspicion as Muslims aren't normally that self-aware.
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BBC News: England Women not expected to win the World Cup

Oh well, back to the chopping board.

The horror of a deadly virus being brought into America from overseas reminded me to wish everyone a happy Columbus Day.

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We were so poor as kids, we used to look forward to strangers sexually abusing us just so as we'd get some sweets.
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A Croydon hairdresser has left his salon to join the Kurdish fight against ISIS.

Wow, the lengths a hairdresser will go to in order to prove he's not gay.
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"If you eat much more of that you're going to explode!" said my wife to our young son, as he shovelled in another mouthful of bacon.

Of course, statistically, he's far more likely to explode if he never eats any bacon at all.

My favorite sex position is the JFK.

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

'There's been a sharp rise in sudden Dementia cases in men the last couple of years.'

Sounds about right. That's around the same time Operation Yewtree was launched.
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Ebola can live in semen for up to 2 months.

I better wash my socks.
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Erm, so you are asking me not to tell lies...

...by swearing upon the Bible?
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My daughter has just taken two black guys up to her bedroom to study together.

From the sounds of it they're getting every revision question right.
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Knock knock.

"Who's there?"

"Dejav."

"Dejav who?"

Knock knock.