Jokes thread

Rihanna broke up with Chris Brown after she caught him cheating with a waitress.

She said she knew something was up when Brown came home with another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

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In Germany they are opening up a training camp facility for strippers.

Its called Auschtits

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Apple's CEO Tim Cook has announced he is gay.

Samsung's CEO is expected to announce tomorrow he is waaay gayer.
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I'm going to a Halloween party in Essex and needed a really scary costume..

I'm going as a book.
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Toilet roll used to be the number one item required to take a shit comfortably.

Now it's a phone.
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What's Tim Cook's favourite variety of apple?

Cox.
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I've just received a text from my girlfriend that reads:

"Hello birthday boy. When you get home from work, there'll be a hot bath waiting for you. When you've finished, come into the bedroom and I'll suck you dry ;)"

Fuck that, it'll take ages. I'll just use a towel.
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'Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective.'

'You're still fucking late,' replied my boss.
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I went to see a therapist.

I said, "I'm not sure if I'm a man or a woman."

He said, "Right. Just pull your pants down for me."

I said, "No."

He said, "You're a woman."
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Robbie Williams broadcasting his wife's labour. I can see why, it'll probably be the only time when he can prove he isn't the biggest cunt in the room.
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Tim Cook, CEO of Apple has come out as gay.

Explains why his phones are bent.
 
My Dad just told my Mom that she is one-in-a-million.

That means there are 6 people like her in Wisconsin, 312 in the US, and 6,973 on Earth. That's a lot of people who are really bad at making meatloaf and always buy the wrong kind of cereal. God save us all.
 
I decided to dress up as Maddie for the Halloween party.

To make it more realistic, I didn't go.
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I was lying in bed with my blonde girlfriend last night when she said, "I think my boobs are too small, I'm going to get a boob job."

"Hmm," I replied, "my hands are too small... what do you think I should do?"

"Do you want a hand job?"

She's a keeper.
 
The U.S. Border Patrol

They put the 'Panic' in Hispanic

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Spongebob Squarepants will begin airing in China.

Now millions of factory workers will finally know what the hell they are making.

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My girlfriend was born on 29th February of a leap year, so I sound like a pervert when I tell people how many actual 'birthdays' she's had:

Two.
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I fucking hate going clothes shopping with my wife.

It's so embarrassing when she goes to the fitting room and doesn't.
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Toy manufacturers really do make their dolls realistic these days.

I picked one up in a toy store, shook it, and it screamed for about twenty minutes.
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The girlfriend's just had her teeth whitened.

Although, to be honest, most of it landed on her chin.
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So Jessica Ennis will ask for her name to be removed from Sheffield United's stand if they re-sign Ched Evans.

I'm going to propose renaming it "The Ched Evans One Night Stand".
 
If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.

That's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance.
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So feminists are saying Dr. Matt Taylor deserved it for what he was wearing?

Where have we heard that before?
 
What's the difference between Call of Duty and a restaurant?

A restaurant usually has a good host and servers that work.

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I'm convinced that Mario is actually a hobo.

He always wears the same clothes, runs around in sewers, collects coins for a living, and then uses those coins to buy mushrooms.

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If people think that the EA Madden curse is bad, remember what happened to that guy on their golf game.

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I'm not surprised that Borderlands has done so well here in America. We tend to get over excited about anything that combines shooting guns with the work 'borders'. I imagine there were a few people who were disappointed when they found out that there were no Mexicans in the game. (Aside from Salvador anyways, but you don't get to shoot him unless you are dualing)
 
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After the shooting of 12 year old Tamir Rice in Ohio whilst playing with a fake gun, the NRA has called for all fake and replica guns to be replaced with real ones in order to avoid any ambiguity.
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My date said I have to woo her before I get her into bed.

So, I pulled out my dick, started spinning it around, and yelled, "Wooooooo!"
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Apparently, Bob Geldof and friends are concerned that Africans don't know it's Christmas time.

So I'm going to send some Africans a nice picture of me eating my massive Christmas dinner, so they do know. I'm sure that Bob will appreciate the help.
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Roll call, 7am Ferguson Police Department; The Chief of Police addresses the watch:

"Will one of you cunts get out there and shoot a white boy for fucks sake!"
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If rioting has taught me anything, it's that black people get a lot of free shit I can't afford.
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Lewis Hamilton declared it to be best day of his life.

To be fair if Nicole Scherzinger kissed my helmet on live TV I'd do the same!
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If you don't have a TV licence, you could get sent to prison...

Where you can watch TV all day, without needing a licence.
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I've just invented a perfume made from holy water:

Eau my God.
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I gave my first ever blow job to my boyfriend today. Afterwards I had a pint of Fosters.

Well, I had to do something to get that horrible taste out of my mouth.

So I gave him another blow job.
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"Can we have 'Punctuation Sex' tonight?" I asked the wife.

"What do you mean, 'Punctuation Sex?" she queried.

"It's where I put my semi in your colon..."
 
I bought a pair of shoes from my drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

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Kim Kardashian said that Christmas is her family's favorite time of the year.

Its the only day that they don't get insulted when they hear the words "Ho, Ho, Ho!"
 
Remember how white people rioted after OJ Simpson's acquittal?

Me neither.
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One of the short-skirted feminists at work confronted me for making a racist remark.

"If you were black, how would you feel right now?" she asked.

"Like raping you", I replied.
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John Cleese has caused controversy by saying 'You can't tell jokes about Muslims because they'll kill you.'

I for one applaud his honesty, and offer my sincerest condolences to his family.
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Apparently the Guardian newspaper is going to hire Pippa Middleton as their Style correspondent.

Which just goes to show you that if you work hard and get a top journalism degree, you'll lose your dream job to a woman whose sister married a fucking prince.
 
Reagan, Nixon, and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and starts to sink.

Reagan shouts: "Women and children first."

Nixon goes: "Fuck the women!"

Clinton replies: "Do you think we have time?"
 
Why do Islamists only drink instant coffee?

Because they hate the French press.

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What do you call a door that is only used by prostitutes?

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A Canadian, American, Japanese, and an Arab walk into a bar

After a few drinks the American says. "I'm so lucky. I have 4 great kids, one more and I'd have a basketball team!"

The Canadian chimes in and says "I'm luckier. I have 5 gifted kids, one more and I'd have a hockey team."

The Japanese says "I have 8 children, one more and I would have a baseball team."

The Arab pauses for a few seconds and then says "I've got all you guys beat. I have 17 wives, one more and I would have a golf course!"

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A woman is at a bar when she spots a friend of her's looking worn out-

"Sheesh Vernie, you look rough."

"I'm completely beat. Gary is a partner is a new buisness and he asked me to help with the marketing."

"Sounds like him, so what's the gig?"

"It's a sci-fi themed bar that caters to genetically altered lesbian twins."

"And how is that going?"

"Not very well. I mean what would you do for a clone dyke bar?"
 
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