Jokes thread

"...but whatever you do, just make sure you keep them away from water."

"What, Gremlins?"

"No, Whitney Houston's family."
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When I die, I want my remains scattered in Disneyland.

Also, I don't want to be cremated.
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Really, Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
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I only have one word for women who look at me like I'm some kind of sex object...

Hi.
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I'm going to start telling women that I'm available for a limited time only and hope that their shopping instinct kicks in.
 
Hey Russell Wilson, you want another Super Bowl ring?

No thanks, I'll pass.

wilson3.jpg
 
I'm gonna start calling my weed "The Quran"

Because every time you burn it you get stoned.

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A man at a bar talking with friends-

"My wife and I have been for married 10 years today. To only have sex with one person for 10 years takes true dedication."

"I honestly don't know how she does it."
 
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I went to a bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said "Good legs."

She giggled and said "Do you really think so?"

I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."



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A soldier, who was habitually drunk, publicly announced to his company and the surrounding companies that he was swearing off drinking and that all the other soldiers should give up this foul habit also.

The other soldiers would tease him to fall off the wagon by giving him wiskey and get him drunk. Every morning he would be back preaching about the sins of alcohol.

One day his tent mate said he ought to give up preaching about the evils of the jug as he always ends up drunk. With a twinkle in his eye he said-

"What, and give up all that free whiskey?"
 
A wise man once said... absolutely nothing.

He let her scream and shout, and then they had 'make-up sex' afterwards.
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Look Turkey, the Germans know what they're talking about. If they say it's genocide, it's genocide.
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Ever since I've downloaded Adblock Plus, all the single girls in my area seem to have lost interest...
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Now that dogs have been shown to be able to sniff out cancer, is this the end for the CAT scan?
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Common sense is like AIDS.

Some are born with it while others have to get it pounded into them.
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It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart.

One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
 
According to scientists, super massive black holes may not exist in the universe.

They clearly haven't watched inter-racial porn.
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Say what you like about deaf people.

But not blind people, they can still hear you.
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Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the colour 9.
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Say what you want about Kim Jong Un, but his way of firing people is much more exciting than Lord Sugar's.
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What is the difference between Germany and Thomas Cook?

Germany issued a genuine apology for gassing children.
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Saying a woman wearing a skimpy outfit is "asking for it" is like saying a guy walking around in a football top wouldn't mind getting tackled out of nowhere.
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Daily Mail online: Masturbation may help prevent the common cold.

Hope so, I've got no tissues left.
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English is weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
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I've always wondered why porn films can be over 45 minutes long.

I mean, if it takes you that long to have a wank, you should be in them, not fucking watching them.
 
Sally is 16 and Amy is 14. How many years difference is there between them?

10 to 12 if you're caught with Amy.
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On the bright side, selfie sticks are also lightning rods.
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Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I'd highly recommend Fight Club.
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I've had an idea for a more realistic version of Call of Duty.

On the first level you have to fail all your exams.
 
Rachel Dolezal.

Suspicions first arose when they found out she had a job.
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Following Christopher Lee's death, The Sun have written a full article about Dracula.

He didn't appear in The Mirror though.
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Driving home today, my wife was boasting about how good women are at multi-tasking, and how there's "No two things a man can do simultaneously that a woman can't".

I just sat there, scratching my balls as I reversed onto the driveway.
 
Pretty soon the only place you will be able to buy a Confederate flag will be the black market.

Oh the irony.
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The waitress noticed me struggling to open the mini cornflake packet in the breakfast buffet.

"Just slide your finger between the flaps", she suggested.

...

That finished badly.
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My blonde wife thinks that USB is a back up plan just in case USA fails.
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When I first discovered masturbation at Catholic school, I was terrified - I thought I was broken.

I couldn't understand why jizz was coming out of my cock instead of my asshole like it normally did.
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There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question... It's probably a bird.
 
A man has been forced to stop selling toilet rolls, with images of The Prophet Mohammed on them, on eBay.

Because he's sold out.
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Girls, instead of changing your Facebook profile photo into a rainbow in support of gay marriage being legalised in America, a much better way to show your support would be if you just changed your photo to one of you and your best mate getting naked and rubbing oil on each other.
 
One of the hardest challenges for a woman is being told that she cannot have children.

For a man it is trying not to look elated when she tells him.
 
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