Jokes thread

A man is washing outside Naked on a sunny day. A woman calls the police. He gets arrested.
weeks later, The woman that called the police on the man sees HER washing on a sunny day naked. In an attempt for Revenge he called the police and gets arrested for being a peeping tom. DOUBLE STANDARDS FTW!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
When you have Alzheimer's,
......
Roses are red,

Apparently Alzheimer's is hereditary. Both my mum and dad suffer from it now, which scares me because apparently Alzheimer's is hereditary

So a buddy sent me a message on my phone this morning. When I opened it there was nothing on it so I got confused, suddenly I heard "Attention! Attention! The owner of this phone has been known to periodically take it in the ass!" blaring really, really loudly coming from my phone. Thank God I was alone in my car.

Japanese banks have been hit almost as hard as American banks:
The Oragami bank has folded and we hear the Sumo Bank has gone belly up too. Bonsai Bank plans to cut back on some of its branches. Karaoke bank is for sale and going for a song. Meanwhile, staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where workers fear they may get a raw deal.

Why did my penis cross the road? To get to the other vagina.

Chuck Norris cant die. So what happens if he tries to commit suicide?...He never fails. EVER. (Mindfuck)

oh man....that joke wasnt funny 10 years ago.

how bout micheal jackson jokes. I think enough time has past.......
ill start

what time is bedtime at MJ's house........
when the big hand is on the little hand....thank you thank you....tip ur waitress

HRD

OOOOHHHHH!!!!

You know he didn't die of a heart attack right?
He died from an allergic reaction to 6 year old nuts!
No wait, he was at a chinese resturant and choked on the cream of Sum-Yung-Boi!
No, no, now I remember. They found him in the children's ward having a stroke!

Why did Michael Jackson have a closed casket funeral?
They didn't want people to see him with a better complexion!

After he died they melted his implants down into legos so little kids would have a chance to play with him for a change!

And last but not least-

I used to know more but I can't for the life of me remember what they were.

Me and my friends were spitting these out the day it happened.

On a scale of the McCanns to Josef Fritzl, how good are you at keeping your daughter in the house?

Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate.

What did the letter O say to Q?

Dude, your dick is hanging out.

If there did happen to be another major terrorist attack on the anniversary of 9/11, what would it be called?

9/11 2: Return of the Jihadi?

Daddy, wake up! You forgot to take your sleeping pills.

Ryu: Hadouken!!
Mitsurugi: *side steps*
Ryu: WTF??? O_O

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Win?

Your momma is so fat that Caesar Barber tried to sue her after eating her pussy.

"The only time Justin Bieber's been inside of a woman was when his mom's water broke" - Joan Rivers
"Justin Bieber as Lesbian" - Joan Rivers
"Vegetarian: I don't eat anything with eyes. Joan Rivers: what about your husband?" - Joan Rivers