Dab_Of_Oppo
Gentlemen of the Road
I wrote a short story yesterday, wanted to do something different. Must admit it is in need of serious edit/revision, but I probably won't bother with it. Just something fun. I thought taking some of the things taught to me in Private school quite literally would be fun. Though, not very religious any more.
Least that expensive education provided me the opportunity to do this. Hah! Enjoy!
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Jacob had been up all night. Today was the day he had been dreading, and not just over the History final he had to take. December, 21st, 2012. It was the last day of school before Christmas vacation.
Being quite skeptical, though not entirely irrational, today was the end of the Mayan calendar. The supposed ‘end of the world’ was something he didn’t want to sleep through. There’s no exact time during the day that the end would occur, so Jacob had been up the previous night and planned to stay awake throughout the day. His preferred method was the same one used whenever he had to cram for an exam; the blend of stay-awake pills and highly caffeinated beverages.
The thought that this may be his last day alive made him rather nervous. Regrets, mistakes, not asking the girl he fancied to the Christmas dance last weekend; they clouded his mind. He thought about all those things he would have like to have done, and he grew more nervous with each “tic tac” of the clock on the wall.
The heavy door opened with a crash and the room erupted with light. The man lay in his bed, and with this interruption he pulled the covers over his eyes.
“Do you have theidea of what day it is?!” Peter gasped.
His eyes still adjusting to the light, he glanced at the clock atop the nightstand. “Ah really, is it of much importance to me?” the sleeping man replied.
Heaven’s gatekeeper was edgy, excited, and his voice unable to hide his impatience, “Importance! Lo! I would have thought that you, Lord, of all beings would not forget this time.”
“Oh Lo yourself,” the Lord responded.
“I know its early Jesus, but Satan’s on the phone, says he’s been waiting for at least a few hours now.”
Jesus glanced at the clock, which was flashing 12:00. God Damn It, Jesus thought.
“Okay, will do!” God yelled from the next room.
The Lord looked back at the clock, which was still flashing 12:00 and was also on fire.
“Why don’t we have any nine volt batteries around here?” the Lord asked.
“Uhmmm… You can only get them in hell, and they’re just so expensive there,” Peter replied. “Anyhow Immanuel, Satan is on line 2, seemed urgent.”
“Get me the phone then, sayeth the Lord.”
“You’re going to be like that then; fine,” and Peter went to fetch the phone.
“JESUS CHRIST!! WHAT IN MY HELL!! Where are you?” Satan boomed into the handset.
“Uh, Satan, this is still Peter. I’ve yet to transfer you.”
“Oh, sorry, I can hold,” and Satan held.
“Your call is now being transferred”
“Cool, no switchboards,” Satan said to himself.
“Hey, this is Christ the Lord speaking,” Jesus began.
“What is going on up there?! Unless Muhammad managed to give you his 72 virgins I can see no reason for being late! I’ve been down here for like, 250 years!!” the Dark Lord fumed.
“… and if you’d like to leave a voice message, please wait for the tone.”
“Cut that crap.”
“Beep,” went Jesus.
“Stop it.”
“Okay, wait, what? 250 years? How long did I over sleep?”
“YOU JUST OVER SLEPT!!”
“Yeah, buy about six hours. I guess the best excuse I have is those lousy carpentry classes I give out every night. I tell ya, Dio can not even carve his own name.”
“Yeah, wait… Dio went to heaven?”
“Yep. I give him some wood shop lessons, he teaches me ‘Holy Diver.'”
*Please insert another coin*
“Christ…” Satan said under his breath.
“Yes I’m still here.”
“No, I’m calling from a pay phone, no cell reception in hell. Well, God…”
“He’s on another call”
“Just come down here and lets start this whole ‘end of the world’ jazz your prophets thought up.”
“Coming, just gunna be a bit longer, probably should grab a shower first.”
“Yep, you do that; see ya in a bit,” and with that Satan hung up.
But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.
2 Peter 3:8
Least that expensive education provided me the opportunity to do this. Hah! Enjoy!
-------------------------
Jacob had been up all night. Today was the day he had been dreading, and not just over the History final he had to take. December, 21st, 2012. It was the last day of school before Christmas vacation.
Being quite skeptical, though not entirely irrational, today was the end of the Mayan calendar. The supposed ‘end of the world’ was something he didn’t want to sleep through. There’s no exact time during the day that the end would occur, so Jacob had been up the previous night and planned to stay awake throughout the day. His preferred method was the same one used whenever he had to cram for an exam; the blend of stay-awake pills and highly caffeinated beverages.
The thought that this may be his last day alive made him rather nervous. Regrets, mistakes, not asking the girl he fancied to the Christmas dance last weekend; they clouded his mind. He thought about all those things he would have like to have done, and he grew more nervous with each “tic tac” of the clock on the wall.
*** *** *** *** ***
The other-worldly clock sat on top of a very ornately carved dresser. The room was exquisitely decorated. “The Last Supper” by Da Vinci was among the paintings on the wall. The ceiling had been painted with some of the scenes from the Sistine Chapel. All the furniture in the room was made from solid oak. Each piece, from the bed to the dresser, had carved details that took ages to create. The silk curtains had been drawn, but even in the low light you could tell whoever slept here was of the highest importance.The heavy door opened with a crash and the room erupted with light. The man lay in his bed, and with this interruption he pulled the covers over his eyes.
“Do you have theidea of what day it is?!” Peter gasped.
His eyes still adjusting to the light, he glanced at the clock atop the nightstand. “Ah really, is it of much importance to me?” the sleeping man replied.
Heaven’s gatekeeper was edgy, excited, and his voice unable to hide his impatience, “Importance! Lo! I would have thought that you, Lord, of all beings would not forget this time.”
“Oh Lo yourself,” the Lord responded.
“I know its early Jesus, but Satan’s on the phone, says he’s been waiting for at least a few hours now.”
Jesus glanced at the clock, which was flashing 12:00. God Damn It, Jesus thought.
“Okay, will do!” God yelled from the next room.
The Lord looked back at the clock, which was still flashing 12:00 and was also on fire.
“Why don’t we have any nine volt batteries around here?” the Lord asked.
“Uhmmm… You can only get them in hell, and they’re just so expensive there,” Peter replied. “Anyhow Immanuel, Satan is on line 2, seemed urgent.”
“Get me the phone then, sayeth the Lord.”
“You’re going to be like that then; fine,” and Peter went to fetch the phone.
“JESUS CHRIST!! WHAT IN MY HELL!! Where are you?” Satan boomed into the handset.
“Uh, Satan, this is still Peter. I’ve yet to transfer you.”
“Oh, sorry, I can hold,” and Satan held.
“Your call is now being transferred”
“Cool, no switchboards,” Satan said to himself.
“Hey, this is Christ the Lord speaking,” Jesus began.
“What is going on up there?! Unless Muhammad managed to give you his 72 virgins I can see no reason for being late! I’ve been down here for like, 250 years!!” the Dark Lord fumed.
“… and if you’d like to leave a voice message, please wait for the tone.”
“Cut that crap.”
“Beep,” went Jesus.
“Stop it.”
“Okay, wait, what? 250 years? How long did I over sleep?”
“YOU JUST OVER SLEPT!!”
“Yeah, buy about six hours. I guess the best excuse I have is those lousy carpentry classes I give out every night. I tell ya, Dio can not even carve his own name.”
“Yeah, wait… Dio went to heaven?”
“Yep. I give him some wood shop lessons, he teaches me ‘Holy Diver.'”
*Please insert another coin*
“Christ…” Satan said under his breath.
“Yes I’m still here.”
“No, I’m calling from a pay phone, no cell reception in hell. Well, God…”
“He’s on another call”
“Just come down here and lets start this whole ‘end of the world’ jazz your prophets thought up.”
“Coming, just gunna be a bit longer, probably should grab a shower first.”
“Yep, you do that; see ya in a bit,” and with that Satan hung up.
*** *** *** *** ***
Back on earth, Jacob had just watched his clock tick over to midnight. He was visibly shaking, so racked with fear. His skepticisms did not pay off however, and as the seconds rolled by he was starting to second guess himself. As the clock read 12:01 on December 22nd, 2012, he decided that he probably shouldn’t believe in an ancient civilization that couldn’t count to 2013. And with that thought, he allowed himself to calm down, and decided to go to sleep.But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.
2 Peter 3:8