Jokes thread

If a Jew cuts an Arab's throat is it Kosher or Halal?
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The Ku Klux Klan.

Worth joining just to find out the name of the brilliant washing powder they use.
 
Did you know you are supposed to pull anal beads out slowly?

I didn't... I started the wife up like a fucking chainsaw.
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Rolf Harris will soon be learning another instrument:

The big black digeridoo.
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I took the wife out earlier.

One punch!
 
Independence day, the day Britain told America to fuck off.
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I'm guessing the judge at Rolf Harris's sentencing has a sense of humour then?

69 months.
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The Catholics have got it all wrong. Of course God wants us to use contraception.

That's why he invented anal.
 
The judge looked down on Rolf Harris and said, "What you did was inexcusable, how does five years and nine months sound to you?"

"Fantastic" replied Rolf, "A threesome!"
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I only need to get locked up for a few months I can meet all my heroes from the 70s.
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Statistically, 24/25 holidaymakers enjoy oral sex.
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I feel sorry for the holidaymaker filmed in Magaluf giving blowjobs to 24 men in the mistaken belief that she would win a holiday.

Now that it turns out that the prize was just a cocktail, she probably feels like a bit of a slut.
 
I've complete sympathy for the latest victims of Rolf Harris to have come forward.

It must have been terrible living with amnesia until now.
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How to win an argument:

1. Have a vagina.

2. That's it.

3. You win.

4. Congratulations.
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I've started writing jokes on laxative bottles for shits and giggles.
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After being sentenced to 5 years and 9 months in jail, Rolf Harris is said to be turning to religion to help cope with being behind bars.

When asked for more details, he claims to feel a deep connection to the Catholic Church.
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My boss asked me, "do you believe in life after death and the supernatural?"

"Yes, I think so," I replied.

"I thought you would," he said. "Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother's funeral, she phoned up to talk to you..."
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Bit unfair of Glastonbury to put Dolly Parton on at 5pm on a Sunday, given her strict working hours.
 
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs.

Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs.

PLEASE do not let Kevin Bacon die.
 
Feel sorry for Julio Cesar tonight.

Last time I saw a Brazilian facing this many shots he was jumping a ticket barrier at Stockwell.
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What's the difference between Brazil and Oscar Pistorious?

Oscar Pistorious has a better defence and more shots on target.
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I haven't seen David Luiz this upset since Bart and Lisa got him sent to prison.
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Normally when I'm watching a Brazilian take a beating like that I have the volume lower.
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England can't win anything. Brazil took away our top spot of Most Embarrassing team.
 
Krispy Kreme doughnuts turns 77 today.

Something their customers never have to worry about.
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In the news today - a Cape Town man has been charged with cutting out another man's heart and eating it after the victim accused him of being homosexual.

Apparently, in South Africa nothing says 'I'm not gay' like having another man's meat inside you.
 
Ever been to one of those pizza places with the ordering computers right there in the shop?
aD0E62B_460s.jpg
 
Being English, choosing between Germany and Argentina to win the world cup is like choosing between the McCanns and Rolf Harris to babysit your kids...
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The girl who gave 24 blow jobs in Magaluf for a free cocktail drink has inspired me to lick 24 pussies for a pint.
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Remember Jesus' miracle of multiplication, in which he had a handful of bread and fish and made thousands of copies of them and then distributed for free to thousands of people?

Replace "bread and fish" with "games/music/movies" and there you go. Piracy.

Jesus was killing the bread and fish industry.
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Why African-American, why not Americoons?
 
What gets bigger every time I see my wife?

My wife.
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My English teacher told me that it's impossible to take two completely different words out of context and use them to create a coherent sentence.

Wheel sea.
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Anyone saying "Love is more important than money" have clearly never tried paying off a loanshark with a hug.
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And on the 7th day China made everything else.
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The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;

"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."

And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?
 
Argentina have put in an appeal to FIFA stating that on the grounds the trophy was in Brazil and Argentina was therefore closer to it than Germany then it should rightfully be theirs.
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Apparently 1 in 50 priests are paedophiles.

49 in 50 are just better liars.
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Did you know that the word "emaseht" is spelt the same backwards?
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Dunno why the Argies are so upset, thought they'd be used to coming second like they did in the Falklands...
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What's red and orange and looks good on hippies?

Fire.
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My teacher said, "If you have two apples and, when you get home, your father gives you one... What have you got?"

I said, "Two apples and a sore ass, sir."
 
A fat bird started chatting me up in the club last night and I mentioned I'd just had my birthday this week.

"Well, happy birthday, sexy," she purred, stroking down my chest. "If I come back to yours tonight, could you put a smile on my face?"

"Probably not," I told her. "There's no cake left."
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Scientists in South England have created the world's darkest material called 'Vantablack'.

I'm not so sure. I think once we locate those 114 missing child abuse files on the Westminster paedophile ring, THEN we'll see who has the darkest material.
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I said to my son, "Where do you want to go on your school trip, a tour of cathedrals, or a tour of BBC light entertainment?"

"Fuck the BBC, " he replied, I'll take the 50/1 with the church."
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If Lionel Messi deserved the Golden Ball Award, then Luis Suarez deserves the Fair Play Award.
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Mohammed spent a lot of time up mountains, slaying goats and raping children.

Jesus spent a lot of time around the docks and managed to feed the 5000 on fish.

And that, people, is the difference between gross prophet and net prophet.
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I was recently at a night club, and tried to avoid being humiliated by going up to the ugliest, fattest chick and asking, "Hey babe, wanna suck me off?" - but it was to no avail, she merely replied, "not in a million years".

I ended up at home alone having a wank and crying.

You may be wondering what the joke is here.

It's me.
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What's the useless mound of flesh around the nipples?

The woman.
 
Life is like a box of chocolates,

it sucks if you have diabetes.

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I had a blind date with a really bitchy girl who said she wanted to be treated like a princess.

So I put her in the back of a Mercedes and drove it into a tunnel wall.
 
Spare a thought for Cheryl's new husband.

It must be tough looking down on all those roses on her ass and knowing that they only look so good because the manure has been dug in by a spade.
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What's the difference between a hospital and a brothel?

Nothing if you're Jimmy Savile.
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Nothing quite says "Oh fuck! Better get rid of some people in the cabinet before they get fingered by this gathering child abuse scandal and completely fuck up our chances in the next General Election!" like a major cabinet reshuffle.

Right, Dave?
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Confucius say: man who ignore subject-verb agreement rule sound like wise Chinese philosopher.
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Pistorius.

Sounds like something Harry Potter would say to make your legs fall off.
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Seeing is believing.

Except when you're reading Daily Mail.
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Thorrrrrrrrrrr! Look at the tits on that!
 
I'd tell you what my sexual fetish is but then I'd have to kill you.

Which is ironic really.
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Guardian article: What turns a middle-class public schoolgirl into a £1,200-a-night escort?

My guess? £1,200 a night.
 
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