if the sould calibur characters had jobs

basically this thread is all about giving the soul calibur characters jobs if they lived in the real world
( dont make it too obvious ) and then writing a short story of what they had to do at that job maybe they get fired, maybe they quit, maybe all hell breaks loose.

for example

Character: astaroth
Job: mall Santa


*astaroth walks into a bar and sits at a table with 3 other men*

Man 1 : hey astaroth whats up man

Astaroth: oh nothing just feeling kinda down today

man: why

Astaroth: well i lost my job today.....again

Man 2 : seriously dude thats the 4 job this month

Man 3 : what the hell happened

Astaroth: well a kid came up to me and i asked him what he wanted for christmas

Man 1: and?

Astaroth: he asked me to cure his cancer

Man 2 : what did you do i mean its not like you can actually cure can..

Astaroth: So i blew him up. NO MORE CANCER!!!

( everyone at the table has their mouths wide open in awe)

Astaroth: There isnt any other feeling like bringing kids joy for the holidays

( if you think this is stupid please dont hesitate to lock or delete this)

This is exactly funny. Keep going with this man, I want to see more of this.

Maxi, the Hot Rod Mechanic

Maxi: "Hey there Mr. Smith. You ready to pick up your 57 chevy? Its all ready for you."

Mr. Smith: "Whats with this pink paint. Thats horrible, I hate it!"

Maxi: "What the fuck you mean? This is the color YOU picked out. Cant change it now. Would cost a lot of money."

Mr. Smith: "I dont care what you think, I dont want this awful color."

Maxi: "I aint chaning it now. Your gonna suffer!"

Mr. Smith: "The hell I am, change it NOW!"

Maxi: "WAAAAAA TAAAAAA LUNGING DRAGON OF THE ZODIAC!"

FATALITY! oops wrong game!

Nightmare the mall cop

nightmare : OK everyone remember for the grand opening to line up single file and enter nice and..
*gets trampled by 50 people*

nightmare: *sigh* ok well atleast this whole day isnt ruined

kid: *kicks him in the shin* hah hah you look like a unicorn *runs away*

Nightmare: THE NIGHTMARE WILL DEVOUR YOUR SOUL

Boss: dont even think about it buddy you begged me for this job and your not going to ruin our reputation by murdering everyone who makes fun of you
Nightmare: BUT
boss: no butts allowed now get back to work

*nightmare then goes to the roof of the mall and commits suicide*

Mitsurugi the bartender

Mitsurugi: So, what will it be?

Guy #1: Let me have a vodka on the rocks.

Mitsurugi: You got it. *gets two glasses and pours ice and vodka on both*

Mitsurugi: Here you go.

Guy #1: Thanks *drinks*

Mitsurugi: You're welcome. *drinks also*

Boss: Mitsurugi, are you drinking again?

Mitsurugi: Me, drinking? Why would do that?

Boss: Well, you've been drinking with the patrons and I'm starting not to like that.

Guy #2: Hey, guy. Let me have a beer.

Mitsurugi: Sure *grabs three beers*

Guy #2: Thanks.

Mitsurugi: *downs two beers at once*

Boss: Mitsurugi, what have I told you about drinking on the job?

Mitsurugi: Are you...Algol?

Boss: That's it, I can't take this.

Mitsurugi: Oh yeah? *smashes two beer bottles over the boss's head*

Mitsurugi: Anyone else? I thought so. *takes a bottle of jack daniels and does shots*

Pyrrha The Customer Service Call Girl.

Ring Ring.

Pyrrha: "This is customer services, Pyrrha speaking."

Guy: "Yeah so I brought this blender AND IT FUCKING SUCKS."

Pyrrha: "I'm sorry."

Guy: "When I opened the box it was dented and already broken!"

Pyrrha: "I'm sorry."

Guy: "..... Are you even listening to me?"

Pyrrha: "I'm so-.... Yes of course. Did you keep the receipt?"

Guy: "....I threw it away......"

Pyrrha: "I'm so sorry. You can't refund it."

Guy: "THIS IS A DISGRACE, I'M GOING TO SUE YOU!!!!"

Pyrrha: "Well...... Best of luck."

Guy: "STOP BEING SO NICE TO ME!!!!!

Pyrrha: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" *slams phone down.*

Raph- Cop

*Interigation room*

Girl- Why am I in here for questioning?

Raph- its simple, you need to be asked questions

Girl- Like what?

Raph- Are you Amy?

Girl- Yes my name is Amy...

Raph- AMY! (236B)

Girl- WHAT THE HELL?!

Raph- I need to taste your blood! 66A+G.

Ivy-Dominatrix prostitue in Vegas.

Ivy: "Hi there handsome, looking for a date?"

John: "Why yes. I could stand to get some releases"

Ivy: "Well I sure can take care of that for you sugar, just lye still here on the this padded saw horse."

John: "Oh yeah girl, you know what I like. Can I take a hot steamy dump on your chest?"

Ivy: "look here weirdo" *moves the saddle, midget and goats out the way* "I dont do that weirdo shit! you want that, go see my whore of a slut of a friend Viola!"

John: "Look bitch, I didnt ask for attitude. You gonna let me have what I want, or do I gotta slap a ho?"

632143 B+G

Ivy: "SHRED APART!!"

Kilik- Martial Artist Teacher

Kilik: Today class, we will learn how to handle bullies. All I need is a volunteer.

Martial Arts Student #1: Ooh, pick me, pick me!

Kilik: Okay then. Now class, when a bully approaches you, what should you say?

Martial Arts Students: You should back down!

Kilik: Correct. Now, what if they don't back down?

Martial Arts Students: You use several combos and spamming attacks!

Kilik: Great! Now let me demonstrate.

Martial Arts Student #1: Give me your lunch money!

Kilik: You should back down!

Martial Arts Student #1: *Grabs Kilik by his collar and is about to punch him*

Kilik: *Catches the punch with his fist, throws the student on the mat, and performs a series of combo moves, knocking him out cold*

Martial Arts Student #1: Ow! My arm! My head! Ow!

Kilik: It's fate, you were never meant to win.

Martial Arts Students: *Applauds*

A gong sound goes off, as a sign that the class is over.

Kilik: Well, that's all for today, class. What have we learned?

Martial Arts Student #2: To never back down.

Kilik: Right.

Martial Arts Student #3: Pull off combos like no one's business and let everyone think you're a spammer even though you're not.

Kilik:...Right.

Martial Arts Student #4: And to always tell them that it's fate and they were never meant to win.

Kilik: Great! Now before we all leave, what do we all say.

Martial Arts Students: OM...VAJRADHARMA KILIK!

Kilik: That's right! Om Vajradharma Kilik! Class dismissed.

Siegfried the pizza delivery boy
siegfried : here is your large meatlovers pizza extra cheese with olives.... twenty bucks please

man : oh yeah here you go *hands 20 bucks*

Siegfried : dont i get a tip

man : yeah well let me check the pizza first (man opens up pizza to see it covered in ice shards)

man: what the hell kinda service is this i could have died if i ate that screw you gimme my money back

Siegfried: what are you talking about the pizza is fine *takes a bite* AHH SWEET JESUS GAAH HOW THE FUCK HAVE I BEEN WEARING THIS SHIT FOR 5 YEARS * gags and coughs furiosly for 5 minutes and swallows * see nothing is wrong with the pizza

Man: yeah not happening buddy

Siegfried: um well um *drop kicks him and steals his wallet then drives away in his station wagon pizza car*

Xianghua- Cashier

Woman: Excuse ma'am, how much is this dress?

Xianghua: Let me ring you up...This dress cost $40 dollars with an extra 20 percent off.

Woman: Really, are you serious?

Xianghua: Just kidding!

Woman: What? You said this dress had an extra 20 percent off?

Xianghua: I did but these prices change over time.

Woman: Okay, what about these jeans and this shirt?

Xianghua: Jeans cost about 50 dollars with a extra 30 percent off and the shirt cost 20 dollars.

Woman: Are you sure these jeans an extra 30 percent off?

Xianghua: Let me see...Just kidding!

Woman: You know what, where's the manager?

Xianghua: Ahem! I'm the manager.

Woman: You! You're the manager?

Xianghua: What you think?

Xianghua then sees someone stealing from the store

Xianghua: Excuse for a moment.

Xianghua goes to confront the thief but points a gun at her.

Thief: Out of my way, you stupid chick!

Xianghua: Only if you look behind you.

Thief: *Looks behind him and back at Xianghua* Where'd you get a sword from?

Xianghua: You're open! *Performs her Critical Finish* How's that? *returns to counter* Sorry about all that.

Woman: Okay but you haven't answered my question. Are you the manager?

Xianghua: Why yes I am.

Woman: Well, let me tell you something you--

Xianghua: Just Kidding!

Woman: *rage yells and leaves the store*

Xianghua: Oh well, next!

Tira the bipolar school psychologist/counselor.

Tira Jolly: So, what seems to be the problem young man? Your teacher says that you are having some problems with your schoolwork. She says its as if somethings bothering you and stressing you out.

Kid: I don't really want to talk about it.

Tira Gloomy: TELL ME WHAT THE PROBLEM IS OR I'LL SHRED YOU APART!

Kid: *starts crying*

Tira Jolly: Awww. Don't cry. Just tell me what happened and we'll try and figure something. Ok?

Kid: *sniffles and nods head* So this kid was calling me fat and ugly for no reason, and... *starts crying*

Tira Gloomy: WELL THEN I'LL RIP THE SKIN FROM HIS BODY AND FEED IT TO THE CROWS!

Kid: Actually ma'am, its a girl.

Tira Jolly: Honey, next time you do that, I'll cut off your hand. *smiles sweetly* Ok times up. See you next time, have a n—

Kid: Ok bye!

Tira Gloomy: DON'T INTERRUPT ME YOU BRAT!

Kid: * whimpers*

Tira Jolly: Ok, bye!

Sophitia: The exotic dancer

Sophitia: I am nervous, I-I Don't think I can do this.
Boss: you will do fine have another drink and get ready to go on you're up next.
the boss leaves the room Sophitia looks in the mirror
Sophitia: I must do this, I have to provide for my children's future.
she leaves the dressing room
Announcer: Coming to the stage is the Greek MILF, our very own Greek Goddess Sophitia!
the song cherry pie comes on as Sophitia starts to dance for the rowdy men who are shouting catcalls and throwing money at her as she performs.
Rowdy man #1: WOO HOO TAKE IT OFF BABY!
Rowdy man #2: Shake what your Momma gave ya!
Sophitia rolls her eyes and finish her performance when one guy smacks her behind.
Sophitia: Ready! *she grabs the guy and jumps on the guy's head and twists his head with her legs. * forgive me
Boss: Sophitia what the hell are you doing?! *takes her off stage* look, you are wanted in the VIP room and Don't screw it up!
John: is this is the sexy blonde for my enjoyment?
Boss: yes she is, Sophitia will please you anyway you can *whispers in Sophitia's ear* Don't disappoint me or you are gone!
the boss leaves the room
John: oh yeah you are the cutest blonde I have ever seen
The John touches Sophitia inappropriately, Sophitia attacks the John the boss ran back in the VIP room
Boss: that is it Sophitia that is strike three you are fired!
Sophitia: but I only have two strikes
Boss: you beat up those strippers and that made strike three, so...*shouts* CLEAR OUR YOUR LOCKER AND GET THE HELL OUT!
the boss storms out Sophitia stands there and sighs

dampierre the pitchman

hi le bello here with a new lavish product

are your socks not fancy enough to meet your fancy needs.... yes?

than i have the perfect product for you

try new le bello socks * dampierre pulls out an ugly pare of socks with a striped gray and black pattern and a huge picture of dampierre's face on them*

yes the new Le bello socks for only $89.99 each individual sock

you will always impress your friends with your new Le bello socks

not to mention you will be practically overflowing with confidence when talking to the ladies

and thats not all if you order in the next 3 years i will also include the Le bello bar soap * pulls out a normal bar of soap with a fake mustache taped to it and a top hat glued on top of it* absolutely free if you dont include the extra $59.99

also if you are a fan of le bello soap you will absolutely love my brand new le snuggie *snuggie with ugly pattern and dampierres face on it*.

so order now and impress all your friends. also dont forget to send me your personal information, especially your credit card numbers. *FBI breaks in*

its time you did some RESPECTABLE WORK *runs away*

my side hurts from laughing

Because the thread I originally posted in was unknowingly made with this one already around, Ill just make a bit of copypasta.

Siegfried: Hair stylist.

Nightmare: Owns a daycare center.

Astaroth: He's a lumberjack and he's okay.

Voldo: Yoga instructor.

Ivy: Self-defense teacher at YWCA.

Z.W.E.I.: Tends a gay bar.

Rock: He sleeps all night and he works all day.

Aeon: Manages a PetSmart store.

repostin' and adding some new ones

Siegfried - member of the KSK Kommando Spezialkräfte

Patroklos - Aviator or professional stuntman

Taki - Ninjutsu instructor or Interpol officer

Sophitia - Successful owner of a Greek bakery franchise that spans a gazillion countries

Kilik - Shaolin monk

Xianghua - International journalist

Zasalamel - Museum curator, anthropologist, CEO of a popular start-up

Setsuka - Iaido instructor or jazz singer

Xiba - Archaeologist

Raphael - French ambassador

Rock - Zoologist

Li Long - Bartender

Hwang - Marathon Runner

Mitsurugi - member of the Japanese Maritime Self Defense Force or professional actor

Holy shit. Shes already on TV!!

woman: hello is this the happy soul day care center

Nightmare: why yes it is are you here to drop off your wretched filthy soul uuhh i mean kid.

woman: yes now remember he is a vegetarian
Nightmare: GOT IT BY THANK YOU *pushes here out the door*

OK KIDS WE HAVE A NEW GUEST WHICH MEANS I HAVE EXACTLY ENOUGH SOULS TO UNVIEL MY NEW SECRET.

kid: what is it

NIghtmare: dont worry you will love it *goes into the backroom* ha hah hah hah hee hee ho ho HAH HAH HEE HAAH HO HO HEE HAH HAH HAH HAAAAAAH *bursts out of the room wearing a rainbow colored fro and a clown nose*

SURPRISE ITS ME NIGHTY NIGHT NIGHTMARE THE CLOWN.

kid: so cool this is the best surprise ever

Nightmare: I LOVE BRINGING JOY TO KIDS