Jokes thread

I've just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I will keep you posted.
---

I'm so sick of immigration in this country that I'm seriously considering emigrating.
---

January 31st begins the Chinese year of the horse.

Just be careful of the Tesco special edition burger.
---

Daily Mail online: "Earth's temperature could rise by more than 4°C by 2100, claim scientists."

Not at today's fucking gas prices it won't.
 
judgment-day-according-phil-robertson-duck-dynasty-demotivational-posters-1388610513.jpg
 
If a man says you're ugly, he's a mean bastard.

If a woman says you're ugly, she's a jealous bitch.

If a child says you're ugly, you're fucking ugly.
---

Stephen King's son is also an author, and publishes under the name Joe Hill.

He was afraid nobody would take him seriously if he was Joe King.
 
So... Scientists examining global warming are stuck on a boat in the Antarctic.

Love the irony.
---

My cock is so veiny it looks like Sylvester Stallone forcing out a shit.
---

It's odd that Thelma & Louise spend an entire film challenging sexist stereotypes, then die at the end because of their terrible driving.
 
I don't like to label myself as 'unemployed'.

I like to think of myself as a highly trained back-up in case the entire Royal Family dies.
---

I can't believe people used to think the Earth was flat.

Morons. There's hills on it and everything.
 
I love the way that people complain about non-nationals taking their jobs.

Good luck with your applications to become fruit pickers, toilet attendants and prostitutes.
---

I had a lot of important things to do today.

Fuck it.

Now I have a lot of important things to do tomorrow.
 
A four year old girl has shot and killed her four year old cousin in America.

The NRA have said this tragedy could have been avoided if the victim had been allowed her own gun and was given the chance to defend herself.
---

BBC Scotland has announced a new chat show based in Edinburgh.

"Not at home with the Kulars" starts on Saturday.
---

The Catholic church have admitted that Pope Benedict defrocked 400 priests in the name of child abuse.

Wasn't removing peoples clothes part of the problem in the first place?
 
Justin Bieber reportedly caused $20,000 in damage to his neighbor's home by egging it.

It's being called the most pointless use of an egg since the fertilization of Justin Bieber.
 
What's happy and has tears running down both cheeks?

Justin Bieber's arse.
---

I always thought stories of prison rape were vulgar, harsh and distressing.

Then, when I heard of Justin Beiber's arrest, I found myself smiling at the concept.
 
A sadist, zoophile, murderer, necrophile, pyromaniac, and masochist are hanging out in the mental ward.

Sadist: "Hey I have an idea! why don't we torture a cat?"

Zoophile: "Yeah, let's torture then fuck it!"

Murderer: "You should torture it, fuck it, then kill it."

Necrophile: "Right, then once it's dead, let's fuck it again."

Pyromaniac: "Yeah! Then let's set it on fire!"

Everyone looks at the masochist.

*silence*

Pyromaniac: "Well, aren't you going to say anything??"

Masochist: "MEOW!"
 
Ordering something off Ebay is like being pregnant.

You wait for 9 months and when it gets there it isn't the right color.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back