Jokes thread

Fake hair, fake nails, fake tan, and a fake smile.

Girl, are you sure you weren't made in China?

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Three people are a threesome,

Two people are a twosome,

I'm beginning to see why you think you are handsome.
 
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Bayern Munich 0 - 4 Real Madrid.

The last time a foreign squad had that many shots on target in Munich, Israel lost half their athletics team.
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Ladies...

The quickest way to a man's heart is through your anus.
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You learn something new every day.

Unless you go to a faith school.
 
You can tell how much a girl like you by looking at her feet.

If her feet are behind her ears then she really, really likes you.

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Women can be really sexist too.

But, like with everything else, men are usually just better at it.

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Poli = Many (latin)

Ticks = Blood sucking insects

Poli + Ticks = Politics

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Life is like a box of chocolates,

It doesn't last as long for fat people.
 
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Subway now refuse to serve ham or bacon so as not to offend Muslims.

Not the first time they've fucked up our subways, in fairness.
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I bought one of those watches that tell you how far you've walked. It says I did 1500 miles last night.

Must be broken. I was in bed watching porn.
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What do you call a Muslim husband?

Abusif.
 
Pornhub has pledged to plant a new tree for every hundred videos watched.

The amount of tissue paper I get through, I'm still not sure that's environmentally sustainable.
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In an effort to prove he's not racist, Jeremy Clarkson has announced there will be more black people on Top Gear in future starting with a new "mystery driver"

"The Nig" makes his debut this summer.
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Eenie Meenie Miney Moe...

Catch a straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual man, woman or transgender individual of various race, religion and/or creed by the toe in an ecologically sustainable manner whilst taking care not to infringe on their human rights or impose cultural or economic stereotypes on said personage.
 
I always bring a condom with me on a night out.

Unfortunately it's always the same one.
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A man has been killed at a football match at the Arruda Stadium in Brazil between Recife and Santa Cruz, when a man ripped a toilet bowl out and threw it into the crowd where there were fights between rival supporters going on.

You could say the shit has hit the fan.
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The Guardian: Most people believe Ukip contains racists, poll finds.

Well duh, that's why we're voting for them.
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All these immigrants should learnt to talk proper England like what we does.
 
Trojan is a horrible name for a condom.

Why name a condom after something that, after penetrating the wall, broke open to let dozens of little guys pour out and fuck things up for everyone?

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If today was 'May the 4th be With You',

does that make tomorrow 'Revenge of the 5th'?

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The creator of the Cronut has introduced a new dessert called the "Waffagato" which is vanilla gelato in the shape of a waffle covered in maple syrup expresso.

Its perfect for staying alert while the nurse explains how your insulin pump works.

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Give a man a fish,and he'll eat for a day.

Give a black man a fish, and he'll call you a racist, because he wanted chicken.
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Mirrors:

Skyping for schizophrenics.
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So Katie Price is divorcing her latest husband, Kieran the plasterer.

They met as he used to work for her.

Putting on her make up.
 
Congratulations to Conchita on winning the Eurovision Song Contest.

The last time an Austrian with amusing facial hair made such a big impression across Europe was in 1939.
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Heartfelt congratulations to Russell Brand on winning this year's Eurovision Song Contest.
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So Austria won Eurovision by a whisker.
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10 dentists are sitting in a conference room. Which one is British?

The one with the yellow crooked fucking teeth.

Which are American?

None of them. It would be near impossible to fit nine of them all in the one room.
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A man walks up to a woman in a bar and says, "You're going to get laid tonight".

A bit surprised, she asks, "Really? How do you know that? Are you psychic?"

"No, I'm just stronger than you."
 
A local pastor went to the dentist to get new false teeth.

The first Sunday after getting them he only talked for 8 minutes. The following Sunday he only talked for 10 minutes. But the Sunday after that he talked for 2 hours and 45 minutes!

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and asked him "What happened?"

The pastor explained. On the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk more than 8 minutes. On the second Sunday he couldn't talk more than 10 minutes. But on the third Sunday he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and couldn't shut the hell up!
 
I was talking to a bird in a bar last night and I asked, what does she do for living.

"I'm a scientist."

I was really impressed.

Most women can't pull off sarcasm.
 
If we don't meet any women at the bar my friend always wants to go to the strip club.

I don't understand that. Its like going fishing, not catching anything, and then saying "Hey, let's go to the aquarium!"
 
With the European Pharmecutical Company refusing to sell and the supply of lethal injection drugs beginning to run out, some states are returning to the electric chair.

To encourage public support political think tank wordsmiths are telling politicians to refer to it as "Empowering Minorities."
 
What's the difference between an egg and Elliot Rodger?

An egg gets laid before it cracks.
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Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?
 
I like it when I call the tech support and it's an Indian guy.

It's such a relief knowing that there's at least one of them not gangraping someone.
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How many Elliot Rodgers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, Elliot Rodgers can't screw anything.
 
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