Jokes thread

Feminists calling for a female Dr Who have clearly misunderstood the point. He's a doctor, not a nurse.
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The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini.

I think...
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One of the Woolwich murder suspects said in court, 'Only Allah can judge me.'

A few weeks from now, when his cellmate has just smashed in his back doors, it'll occur to him that the courts can too.
 
I just got a phone call from a representative from Google.

"We're campaigning to get people to sign an on-line petition supporting our company tax arrangements in light of the government's plans for an investigation."

"You can fuck right off," I told him. "It's the law abiding tax payer like me who suffers because of bastards like Google. You're getting no support from me!"

There was a pause before he added, "We know your browsing history."

"It's about time somebody stood up to the Government. I'm logging in as we speak."
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Jokes don't kill people.

Muslims who are offended by jokes kill people.
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After years of in depth studies and research, scientists have finally found out what makes women happy.

Nothing.
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I hate religious extremists.

Except Buddhist extremists, they're fucking lovely.
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I was walking to the video store last night to rent a porno, when I saw a woman being raped.

Saved myself a fiver.
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The NSA Director walks into a bar.

Bartender: I've got a new joke for you.

NSA Director: Heard it.
 
man-walks-into-bar-with-nails-and-asks-the-bartender-can-you-demotivational-posters-1371390196.jpg
 
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Unless he's a Vegetarian.

Then you can get there through his fanny.
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During this very personal moment in their lives, Kim and Kanye ask that you honour their request for extra publicity...
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I don't know what's sadder.

The number of people having to send posthumous Father's Day messages on Facebook, or the number of people who believe in an afterlife.

Especially an afterlife that's got internet access.
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Just had a sexting threesome with my girlfriend and the NSA.
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Stereotyping people because of their religion is not nice.

Whether they be a Christian a Jew or a terrorist.
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The guy who invented applause must have looked like an idiot when he first tried it out.
 
R.I.P. Tony Baritone.

You used to be called Tony Soprano, but now you're a whole lot deeper.
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BBC News: "Eye-gouge victim Tina Nash's new boyfriend on assault charge"

Has she ever considered that she may just be REALLY fucking annoying?
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Cunnilingus:

Starts like a butterfly landing on a flower, and finishes like a hungry bulldog licking porridge off a plate.
 
It's a little-known fact that a hamster's anus can stretch wider than its body.

Once.
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My father brought me up to treat bitches with the respect they deserve.
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What started out black, turned white and will soon be completely yellow?

Humanity.
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In England, they will take a tree, cut it down, remove the branches and the bark until they are left with a cylinder. Next, they will take the cylinder of wood and turn it on a lathe and whittle away until they are left with a perfectly formed bat. The bat will be cured and treated to strengthen it and then, when it is finally ready, they will use it to knock a leather ball around a park.

In Scotland, they just throw the fucking tree.
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I don't see why Kanye West decided to give his kid a stupid name like North.

If I was him I'd have chosen a more normal name.

Like Rose or Fred.
 
Before telling a rape joke, always ask for consent.

If you don't get it, tell it anyway, hoping that they'll understand the irony.
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100 doves have been released outside Nelson Mandela's hospital.

Not the first time he's caused a mass exodus of whites.
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To all the people saying there should be a black Doctor Who:

He's not a witch doctor.
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There's an interesting documentary about Nelson Mandela on one night this week.

Just waiting for confirmation of which night that will be.
 
My PC takes such a long time to shut down I've decided to call it Nelson Mandela.
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I've watched so much porn that my internet pages are starting to stick together.
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Was in a fancy restaurant with my girlfriend and said "I can't wait to get you home tonight, I'm going to fuck you all over".

She said, "Oh sorry, we can't tonight. I'm on my period!" She continued talking, but I didn't hear what she said.

I was too busy staring into the bottle of wine I'd just wasted a hundred fucking quid on.
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My wife was very pleased when I invented mind control.
 
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