8WayRun Fanfiction: The Writer's Block

PutYaGunsOn

[08] Mercenary
Alright, so I was looking at the CaSes, and I found some pretty cool Manjitou customs. It inspired me.

I wanted to create my own Manjitou guy back in the early SCIV days, but never got around to, so I had an idea: I'd take my old OC, Seiji Kazamaru (star of that deleted old shame fic of mine, Dishonored), and re-cast him as a samurai-turned-ronin bandit-turned-Manjitou ninja/thief. Basically, I'm trying to see if I can write something like Yoshimitsu's storyline, but from the point of view of a lowly, common Manjitou member. It'll probably be really short, but I actually think I'll have a lot of fun writing it.

Any thoughts?
 

Alex.J

[14] Master
Alright, so I was looking at the CaSes, and I found some pretty cool Manjitou customs. It inspired me.

I wanted to create my own Manjitou guy back in the early SCIV days, but never got around to, so I had an idea: I'd take my old OC, Seiji Kazamaru (star of that deleted old shame fic of mine, Dishonored), and re-cast him as a samurai-turned-ronin bandit-turned-Manjitou ninja/thief. Basically, I'm trying to see if I can write something like Yoshimitsu's storyline, but from the point of view of a lowly, common Manjitou member. It'll probably be really short, but I actually think I'll have a lot of fun writing it.

Any thoughts?
I like the premise, I think former sumurai, ronin, and bandit might be too clunky. I would suggest maybe choosing one solid thing about his past and drilling it into peoples heads. Having another ninja from the Manjitou clan makes a lot of sense and there is definitely a good amount you can write about. The thing I have been doing with some of my writing is partitioning it into small chapters or quests. I think talking about his initiation to the clan by itself would make a good short story. Good luck writing man.
 

Marginal

Chikara Sashimi
Just for Yoshi's story from the perspective of a low ranking clan member, you really don't need a ton of backstory on the guy watching. I'd think you'd be better off filling in that background once he has something to react to.

Seems kinda unlikely he'd know Yoshi the 1st if you go with that background. He's low ranking and an outsider. He probably wouldn't even see the clan head. Yoshi the 2nd could've been his pal or something...
 

PutYaGunsOn

[08] Mercenary
I like the premise, I think former sumurai, ronin, and bandit might be too clunky. I would suggest maybe choosing one solid thing about his past and drilling it into peoples heads. Having another ninja from the Manjitou clan makes a lot of sense and there is definitely a good amount you can write about. The thing I have been doing with some of my writing is partitioning it into small chapters or quests. I think talking about his initiation to the clan by itself would make a good short story. Good luck writing man.
I've sorta moved on from this idea for a while, but a part of me still wants to do it.

The idea I had was that he was a rich samurai, then he resorted to banditry when he lost everything, until Yoshimitsu (or at the very least some high-ranking Manjitou member, maybe Ukon and/or Sakon) encountered him and decided "Hey, thou hath potential, I shalt recruit thee".

Also, Marginal, I kinda like that idea about him being pals with Yoshi II.
 

darkwings13

[14] Master
People here can always try and help you out. Feel free to post whatever you got.
I think what I'm slightly struggling with is capturing emotions in situations. The intensity is lacking in epic fights and sorrow is inadequate in sad moments (>T.T) </3

I guess I'll try something short here with Graf Dumas/Nighty vs Hilde. Any critiques and suggestions is greatly appreciated! I haven't writing in awhile either (>-^^-)

(>O-O) *listens to Daybreaker and starts writing*

The flames of war devoured the land and its tongue snaked out at the fallen corpses of the dead soldiers. Smoke engulfed the air and the sky was a mix of blood red and dirty brown. Battles cries of men, shrieks of horses and bellows of angered war elephants punctuated the air as the bloody battle continued. Charging around on her white mare, the princess of Wolfkrone deftly hacked and slashed at her opponents, her eyes focused beneath her helmet and her mind steady as she fought for her country's future. "For Wolfkrone! Charge!" she shouted to her elite guards that trailed close behind her.

"Yes, scream for me!" laughed a malfested soldier, his eyes gleaming red as he decapitated one of Hilde's soldier. The man laughed and raised up his sword. "For Graf Dumas!"

"Vile beast," Hilde hissed as she swiftly pulled on the reins and traded blows with him. With a thrust of her lance, she pierced through his armor and his heart. Drawing it back out, she looked around at the chaos and pointed to the left. "Archers! To the right at a forty five degrees angle!" Her eyes narrowed as she saw Dumas's war elephant trampling over her soldiers and crushing them beneath its legs. She raised her hand, watching as the elephant reared back and was about to smash its way downard at a small group of her soldiers that was fighting the beast. "Fire!" She slashed downward with her sword and a volley of sharp projectiles headed for the beast, making it cry out in pain and it fell on its side, gravely wounded. The small victory was quickly crushed as she heard Nightmare's voice.

"Fire."

The ground exploded near her and she was blasted off her horse from the powerful cannon blow and her helmet fell off her head as she fell. She rolled over the hard ground and gasped as her ears rang. It felt like someone had just hit her over the head with a hammer and she shook her head, her eyes glazed and disoriented. What she saw made her blood turn cold. A barrage of cannons were lined up and they fired at her people. Body pieces littered the ground and the earth soaked in the blood of her soldiers. Some screamed in agony and clutched onto bleeding stumps.

Her dark eyes blazed with anger and her hands trembled. How dare they... Without looking, she stabbed a malfested in the stomach with her lance and slashed the throat of another as they ran up to her. She twisted around and blocked one of Nightmare's blow. The sick yellow eye of Soul Edge shone with delight at the carnage around them and Hilde swiftly kicked at Nightmare's shin before quickly backing away. Her voice low, she said angrily, "You will pay for all of this, Nightmare."

Nightmare readied his battle stance and replied, "Death and darkness will devour this world. You... will just be another nuisance I shall crush in my path. Now come, and show me your madness."

"Feel my people's anger!" Hilde shouted as she charged forward to fight the Azure Knight. For her subject's future, she could not afford to lose. She knew in her heart though, that she was dancing with death in this fight. If she failed... then the future of Wolfkrone would lie with her children.


Ok done. Merp. (>^_^)...
(>X_X) I feel nothing.
 

Alex.J

[14] Master
Like you said about capturing emotions. I think one thing that would help would be to sit in the moment a little longer. In the story you gave me, a ton of stuff is happening. You do a pretty good job of describing things but you tend to move on to intense moment to intense moment. I would suggest maybe downplaying some of the events and highlighting others to really give certain situations more emphasis. Definitely in the situations you want to stand out more, don't be afraid to spend a few more sentences writing on what is happening. Also be sure to not rush the story. Since we only know what you write, take the time to properly explain everything going on that you want us to know about.

One of my favorite moments of intensity/emotions of any movie would be "The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly". Where all 3 characters at the end are staring each other down before the final gun fight. They stare at each other and let the tension build up. Even though you are talking about war and a lot is going on. Remember you are guiding us through the process, whatever you tell us is what we'll see. So you can shape the battlefield in a way that highlights the drama and tension you want us to see. Or if you ever saw the movie First Knight, it does a really good job in building up to the final battle. Using the pawns in the battle to build up the real fight that is inevitably going to happen between the main hero and main villain.

Also some specifics I saw:

"she looked around at the chaos and pointed to the left. "Archers! To the right at a forty five degrees angle!"

Why did she point left when the archers were to the right?

"The ground exploded near her and she was blasted off her horse from the powerful cannon blow and her helmet fell off her head as she fell."

Needs to be separated into multiple sentences.

"She rolled over the hard ground and gasped as her ears rang."

These seem like separate ideas. So combining in that way seems a little odd. Unless you meant she was gasping and rolling as her ears rang. But I think you meant them to happen at different times.

"The sick yellow eye of Soul Edge shone with delight at the carnage around them and Hilde swiftly kicked at Nightmare's shin before quickly backing away."

This sentence is just straight weird to me. I would again separate these into multiple sentences. I would probably also refer to the Soul Edge as an "it". Ex. "The sick yellow eye of Soul Edge shone with delight at the carnage around it".

There are definitely people who are better with writing in this community. But I hope this helps you out. Keep writing and thanks for sharing.
 

darkwings13

[14] Master
Thanks Alex (>^O^)

Yea, I really should spend more time and emphasize the tension and intensity of situations alittle more. I don't have trouble with thinking about what is to come next during these kind of scenes but it's definitely the emphasis of the moment that I seem to lack as I'm rushing ahead to play out the whole thing. And then I have to go back and add in the details later after it's done </3

Ah! I derped at the pointing part! Dx

I haven't written in awhile due to all the uni hw but hopefully, I'll have more time later on to keep going before I lose all motivation. This was something I wrote out of thin air to show what my rough work is like and how it reflects my writing at its base. Though I do hate editing but I know it's necessary xD

What I hope to improve on in the future is definitely atmosphere and increasing the intensity of emotions/tension. Thanks again for the advice on that Alex!
*I'll keep in mind about shortening my sentences as well :D