Clawful Intentions

Alex.J

[14] Master
ACT 1: The Birth of a Fiddler Crab

Susan Hines was a simple girl. She sometimes would lay in the sun for hours. Since It gave her a lovely burnt glow everyone appreciated. She spent many days eating Marijuana sandwiches. And one of her favorite hobbies was becoming black out drunk and singing Jessie's Girl. But one day she decided to do something new. Something she would regret for the rest of her life. Play video-games.....

At first, playing Soul Calibur 5 went very well for her. She would create a lobby where everyone would lose to her and tell her how amazing she was. This ritual went on for a few months until pure evil came her way, Marginal and Alex.J. These two men were the embodiment of evil. Marginal did not play by the rules. He did the unthinkable and won a video-game against a female. as for Alex.J, he liked to cuss and point out the obvious. He would talk shit to her even when it was obvious she was completely innocent. Her bubble of happiness was being popped right in front of her. She had enough of this and had to do something.

She knew both nerds would be at Evo2014, so she devised an ingenious plan. When the day of Evo arrived, she saw Alex.J smugly talking to people. She confronted Alex.J and asked him if he would talk trash to her face. Alex.J cowered in fear and was unable to respond. Since Alex.J was only brave when he had a computer in front of him. He was clearly a loser who could never get women. It was also evident to Susan that Alex had a small penis. This was the clear reason for why he insulted women and gave her such a hard time. This didn't stop Susan though, she snapped her fingers and her boyfriend began brutally beating Alex.J. Punch after punch, Alex.J took it like a bitch. After 30 seconds, he lied in a pool of his own blood and Susan smiled with happiness. She only had one target left, Marginal.

Only 5 minutes later she saw Marginal sitting in a chair since he was old and decrepit. Marginal worked at a coy fish nursery and was only a few years away from retirement age. He was almost completely bald and had the thickest glasses one could buy. Susan could also tell that Marginal lashed out at women due to having a small penis. Susan passionately asked him why he won against a girl. Marginal responded with "what?" Then Susan proceeded to slap the shit out of him.

Her goal was complete and her plan was a success. While leaving the tournament with her boyfriend, she saw multiple cop cars in front of her. They began to put her in handcuffs and she had an epiphany. Which was her plan wasn't genius because it was illegal. She was now going to prison.
 
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Dr. Hates

Jerk.
You had me until you called koi, coy. Took me out of the story completely. This must be remedied in the definitive re-print after it becomes a million seller.
Unless the fish was actually coy. Alex's writing is known for subtle characterization like that.
 

Alex.J

[14] Master
ACT2: Into The Boiling Pot

While in county lock up. Susan Hines received some distressing news. The slaps she gave Marginal were too much for the old man. He died of a heart attack. Since there was a death in this incident. A homicide detective by the name of Colin McGannon was assigned to investigate. Detective Colin was rather full himself and liked to bore many coworkers with grandiose tales of rock climbing. Despite his annoying personality, he was a fairly competent detective.

The first thing the detective noticed was Susan's crab claw. Unlike normal hands, her hand only had 2 large fingers in the shape of a claw. Colin concluded that slapping an old man with a claw, was assault with a deadly weapon. He also investigated online and found a wealth of threats Susan had written to Alex.J and Marginal. He was perplexed on how someone could be so petty. How a grown woman could seriously threaten anyone over a video-game. He took a testimony from the weak and pathetic Alex.J. He concluded while Alex.J was pathetic and probably deserved a beat down. He had to follow the law and protect such a whiny bitch as Alex.J.

To tie up the investigation, he needed to question Susan. But before he could do this, Colin had a strange ritual of pooping before questioning suspects. After his pre-interrogation poop, he went into the interrogation room to question Susan Hines. Before he could even ask her a question, she interjected with "I'm being harassed." With a dumb smug look on Colin's face, he replied with "Don't be koi with me Susan." Susan then replied with "Haters are my motivators." Colin could only muster up confusion due to the sheer stupidity of Susan. He easily figured out she was guilty. He subsequently figured out that her vagina was small. There was only one last thing to do, send her to prison.