Hilarious Parody Patch Notes for SCV (from TopTierTactics)

Vulcan422

Vulcan422

[12] Conqueror
Taken from:
http://www.toptiertactics.com/2012/03/leaked-soul-calibur-5-patch-notes-1-01/#ixzz1pQjKiTm7

General changes

  • Fixed a bug that prevented some players from matchmaking correctly
  • Fixed a bug that prevented game data from being saved on Xbox 360 consoles
  • Introduced fully animated cutscenes to all Story Mode sequences
  • All Story Mode sequences are now voiced in German to increase immersion
  • Subtitles have been removed from the game to increase immersion
Character balance changes

  • Patroklos: damage on throws increased 12%
  • Patroklos: increased condescending sneers in all dialog by 38%
  • ZWEI: ZWEI’s fast, close-range mixups were simply too difficult to avoid. Increased startup on all low attacks by 10 frames
  • ZWEI: Changed properties of EIN. EIN now has a secondary life bar. When EIN sustains 60 damage, ZWEI takes 24 damage and is stunned
  • Leixia: Many users felt Leixia’s moveset was too limited. All Leixia move inputs can now be held down to perform unblockable versions that deal double damage. Frame data and hitboxes remain unchanged
  • Leixia: Leixia’s ground tantrum now lowers enemy Soul Gauge at all ranges
  • Natsu: Fixed a bug that prevented ground bombs from hitting both low and mid
  • Natsu: As requested by Taki fans, Natsu’s bust size has been increased by 23 cm. This should clear up any confusion that Natsu is, in fact, a ninja
  • Ezio: In response to players’ frustration that Ezio’s weaponry range was too limited, his crossbow damage has been increased from 40 to 180
  • Ezio: As requested by our partners at Ubisoft, playing as Ezio now requires a constant internet connection
  • Raphael: Many users were confused about whether Raphael was a vampire or not. To put the matter to rest, Raphael has been removed from the game
  • Viola: To enhance Viola’s psychic aura, players using Viola will now see their opponent’s button inputs
  • Viola: To better match her short stature, Viola has been renamed Violin
  • Pyrrha: Many new players found Pyrrha difficult to play. All of her moves have been changed to be +18 frames on block
  • Pyrrha: To increase immersion, Pyrrha is now 43% more apologetic. We are very sorry this couldn’t be fixed sooner
  • Seigfried: The length of Seigfried’s sword has been increased 1.2 meters to better represent the sexual insecurities of players choosing Seigfried
  • Seigfried: The girth of Seigfried’s sword has been increased 30 cm to better represent the dimension that matters more to most players
  • Hilde: All frame data has been updated to give Hilde all of her Soul Calibur 4 combos. To balance this, Hilde is now significantly less feisty
  • Hilde: To increase immersion, players who dress Hilde in male clothing will watch a cutscene in which she is burned at the stake
  • Xiba: Xiba has been removed from the game. We really don’t know what we were thinking
  • Ivy: In response to user criticism, Ivy has been given 14 new fighting stances. These stances include forward walking stance, crouching stance, and blocking stance, which all require complex inputs to better serve the desires of Ivy’s more hardcore fans
  • Ivy: To create a more modern gaming experience, Ivy has been given a small, but noticeable, penile bulge
  • Cervantes: To increase immersion, Cervantes suffers from scurvy. Players must find and consume a source of Vitamin C each round to restore Cervantes to full capacity
  • Cervantes: All vertical attacks by Cervantes now track opponents within the full 180-degree arc. You’re welcome
  • Aeon: Aeon has been renamed Aeon the Lizardman to avoid confusion
  • Aeon: To increase immersion, Aeon can no longer see opponents who do not move. Standstill opponents will now be invisible
  • Tira: Added a new mood. Tira will now alternate between jolly, gloomy, and sexy moods
  • Tira: In sexy stance, Tira will accompany every attack with a sensuous, prolonged moan. Additionally, attack inputs no longer require the use of both hands
  • Nightmare: Fixed a bug that prevented Nightmare’s Critical Edge from beating throws, unblockables, and other Critical Edge attacks. Whoops!
  • Nightmare: To increase immersion, Nightmare’s attacks now decapitate and dismember enemies if unblocked
  • Mitsurugi: Decreased startup on Mitsurugi’s 2K attack
  • Mitsurugi: All horizontal and vertical slashes have been changed to diagonal attacks that hit high, mid, low, and prevent step. Throws remain unchanged
  • Maxi: During every round, Maxi now sings one of fifteen different Elvis Presley songs at random
  • Maxi: Added a new move: Maxi Pad. Players can use Maxi Pad to heal from light cuts and stabs
  • Yoshimitsu: Yoshimitsu has been removed from the game, because even we were tired of his bullshit after ten years
  • Dampierre: To increase immersion, Dampierre’s price on the Xbox Live Marketplace and Playstation Network has been increased 300%. Magnificent!
  • Dampierre: While it does not affect online ranking, gamers using Dampierre will now see a Victory! screen regardless of the actual outcome of the match
  • Voldo: Randomized Voldo’s vocalizations so it’s even harder to know what the hell he’s doing squirming around on the ground
  • Voldo: Decreased total size of codpiece armor 83%. It was only a matter of time, really
  • Astaroth: To increase immersion, all Astaroth attacks are now unblockable and deal 200-240 damage
  • Astaroth: To increase immersion, Astaroth will die immediately if struck directly in the chest
  • Alpha Patroklos: Players enjoyed the challenge this character offered. To match this, Alpha Patroklos can no longer perform Guards that are not Just Guards
  • Alpha Patroklos: Introduced a new character-specific mechanic, Just Step. Alpha Patroklos will now only step if a direction is inputted at the exact frame the opposing foot touches the ground
  • Algol: Increased pursuit properties of all Algol attacks, allowing every attack to chain into any other attack
  • Algol: To better reflect Algol’s deity status, his health bar has been removed. Algol may now be defeated only by Ring Out
  • Omega Pyrrha: Increased voice warbling by 360% for a more demonic, garbled sound
  • Omega Pyrrha: To better reflect the Story Mode, Omega Pyrrha cannot achieve Victory! against Alpha Patroklos
  • Elysium, Edge Master: These characters have been merged into a new character, Harold. Harold possesses the power of Innocent Love
  • Kilik: Gameplay remains unchanged, but Kilik’s vocalizations have been changed to match Xibas, for all the Xiba fans out there!
  • Devil Jin: To appeal to conservative players, Devil Jin has been renamed Naughty Jin. Naughty Jin knows you don’t approve and that’s exactly how he likes it
EDIT: Accidental double linkage.
 
Wow the links are conserved when you copy and paste? Thats incredible!
 
Patroklos: increased condescending sneers in all dialog by 38%. I approve. Also approve of Tira Sexy Mood, and oh, Just Step.
 
Goes to far into silly territory. Should have been subtle like the MtG rules update that did things like ban basic lands.
 
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