Jokes thread

[Tyberius]

"It was recess and the pre-schoolers came in. The teacher asked Susie what she did today. ''Well, I played in the sandbox,'' she said. The teacher said, ''If you can spell sand, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie.'' So Susie did. Then Billy came in and the teacher asked what he did. ''I played in the sandbox with Susie,'' he said. ''If you can spell sand, I'll give you a cookie,'' the teacher said. So Billy did. Then the little Russian boy said, ''Well, I wanted to play in the sandbox, but Billy and Susie were throwing rocks at me.'' The teacher said, ''Well, that sounds like discrimination. If you can spell that, I'll give you a cookie.'"

 

[Mitalius]

Your mother's like a "Happy Meal" small, cheap and greasy.

 

[TsunamiBye]

What do you call 2 filipino pilots?

A pair of pliers.

This joke is very offensive because filipinos for instance calls forty-five pesos: porty-pive pesos. I on the other hand, am not bothered too much by trivial stuff such as this. In fact, I found racist jokes like a bee person pretty intriguing.

 

[BlackDragon37]

Subway is similar to prostitution. You pay other people to do your wife's job.

 

[lobo]

what do you call a black guy in a suit and tie?

branch manager.

how many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

none; they can't change a god damn thing.

why couldn't helen keller drive?

because she was a woman.

what is the first thing you should do after molesting a deaf and dumb kid?

break his fingers so he can't tell the police.

ok...

a super hot guy is jogging down the beach, and he comes across a woman in the sand by the pier. the woman is in an electric wheelchair powered by an air tube, as she has no arms or legs. the man stops his jog to wish the arm and leg-less woman a good day.

"sir," the woman says, "can you help me out please?"

"of course," says the man.

"well i am almost thirty years old and have never been kissed." feeling bad, the man kisses her. she then tells him, "i've never been held in a man's strong arms either." slightly annoyed, the man decides to be nice and picks up the woman and holds her. she looks up, hopefully, into his eyes and says, "you know what? i've never been fucked."

the guy carries her down the pier, throws her into the water and yells, "well you're fucked now, bitch!"

 

[Luff_The_Talim2]

Boy: Wanna have sex at my place?
Girl: Sure. :D
Boy: Oh! But I sleep on a bunkbed and I told my brother we were gonna make sandwiches. So the code is: Faster = Tomato. Harder = Cheese. Got it?
Girl: Got it. :)

hours later.

Girl: Oh! Tomato! Tomato! Cheese! Cheese!
Younger Brother: Hey! Can you guys make sandwhiches some other time! Your getting mayo all on my bed!

 

[Hot Rod Dave]

How do you make sure a black man doesnt find his welfare check?
Hide it under his workboots!

When White people die
where do they go? Heaven
what do they get? wings
what do they call em? Angels

When black people die
where do they go? Heaven
what do they get? wings
what do they call em? Bats!

Whats long, black, & stinky
No not DK's dick....the unemployment line

Tip your waitresses

HRD

 

[Chaos1x]

Your mom's like a mosquito, when i slap her she stops sucking.

 

[Hot Rod Dave]

ahhh mom jokes...I almost forgot

Your mom is so fat......She jumped on a rainbow and made skittles
Your mom is so stupid...she burnt your house down making Kool-aid
Your mom is so fat....she wears a VCR for a beeper

HRD

 

[BlackDragon37]

Rihanna: 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me.'

Shame her ancestors weren't so open minded.

 

[Hot Rod Dave]

^I laughed so hard I pooped a little

HRD

 

[lobo]

your mom is so fat, the last time i fucked her i contracted type-2 diabetes.

 

[optymuss]

um what about blonde jokes?

 

[lobo]

why do blond chicks get bruised around their belly buttons?

cause their boyfriends are blond too.

 

[Hot Rod Dave]

Why did the blonde, before her appendix surgery, ask the doctor to leave the wound open?
So she can make money "on the side"

HRD

 

[DeathInMyEyes]

What's the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?


Your meat doesn't smell bad when you pull it out of the refrigerator.

 

[BlackDragon37]

All of my passwords are "incorrect" so my computer always tells me if I forget.

 

[Tyberius]

"I named my computer's hard drive 'that ass' so once a month my computer asks me "Do you want to back 'that ass' up?"."

 

[Hot Rod Dave]

What's the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?


Your meat doesn't smell bad when you pull it out of the refrigerator.

Hey wait a minute. Thats my gay joke. get your own material you bastard.

 

[optymuss]

From a website. very funny still.
A blondes calendar




January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too
tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got
excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"


April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May
- Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little
packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with
a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned
later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got
locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.


September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???


October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.


November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per
pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call
911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a
year!!