Hot Rod Dave
"Saucy saucy minx"
Usually when one types "lol", for me its just a slight chuckle in my head or on a good day a little snicker. But this...ilaughed so hard i pooped a little.
Im dying to show my wife.
Jokes thread
- Thread starter Blade_edge
- Start date
Im dying to show my wife.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
R.I.P. Hot Rod Dave.
When The Hulk goes off into a vicious rage and destroys everything, he's "Incredible."
But when I do it, I'm "an alcoholic".
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In recent months Pope Francis has said, "Who am I to judge homosexuals?", and also that atheists might get into Heaven.
Which begs the question, "Is the Pope a Catholic?"
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First rule of the Fibonacci club is 'Don't talk about the Fibonacci club'
First rule of the Fibonacci club is 'Don't talk about the Fibonacci club'
And that sums up the second rule of the Fibonacci club.
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I decided to upgrade my phone.
So I deleted my wife's number.
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What's a pirate's favourite letter?
You may think it's "Arrr" but nay, his first love be the "C".
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
17 months ago Ed Buckley, 22, from Welwyn Garden City, Hertfordshire woke up from a six month coma after being struck by a speeding taxi. On top of being unable to speak or walk, he was left with profound memory loss and could barely recall his name. However, when he sat down at a piano, he could still remember the chords to his favourite Coldplay songs.
It just goes to show, you'd have to be fucking brain-damaged to enjoy Coldplay.
It just goes to show, you'd have to be fucking brain-damaged to enjoy Coldplay.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
Has anyone had a look in Schrodinger's grave to see if he's in there?
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I'm willing to bet good money the inventor of the ejection seat was married.
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I walked into an opticians.
I said, "Hello sir, I think I need some new glasses."
"I think you're right," she replied.
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I'm willing to bet good money the inventor of the ejection seat was married.
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I walked into an opticians.
I said, "Hello sir, I think I need some new glasses."
"I think you're right," she replied.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
In a new report it says that if women have excessive belly fat and a muffin-top it can be fatal.
Especially if you mention it to them.
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Especially if you mention it to them.
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My girlfriend bloody loves shopping. It's been days since I've seen her.
Crazy Kenyan bitch.
Crazy Kenyan bitch.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
More than a quarter of 18 to 24-year-olds in Britain do not trust Muslims, a BBC Radio 1 poll suggests.
But that's got nothing on the number of 1 to 16-year-olds that don't trust BBC employees.
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When a bird tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don't believe you."
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You never realise how much you need to take a shit until you've been put on hold.
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My wife was only 23 when she committed suicide after she found out that I'd once had sex with her mum.
I mean God, that was nearly 24 years ago, it shouldn't affect her!
But that's got nothing on the number of 1 to 16-year-olds that don't trust BBC employees.
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When a bird tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don't believe you."
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You never realise how much you need to take a shit until you've been put on hold.
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My wife was only 23 when she committed suicide after she found out that I'd once had sex with her mum.
I mean God, that was nearly 24 years ago, it shouldn't affect her!
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
It's not a recession until your internet is cut off and you have to masturbate to the woman in a red bikini on the Special K box.
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I found out today, the best time to call your wife a fat cunt is in a buffet queue.
She really wants to storm off, but...
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There's an article in New Scientist which says they've found a link between the chemicals in shampoo, and obesity.
For fuck's sake, if you're eating shampoo your weight's the least of your concerns.
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You'd be surprised how quickly the sales people at the DIY store try and assist you after ignoring you for the past 15 minutes when you try and start a chainsaw.
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Masturbation is classed as sinful by the Catholic Church.
Surely I'm balancing that by praying for the bus driver not to look around.
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I found out today, the best time to call your wife a fat cunt is in a buffet queue.
She really wants to storm off, but...
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There's an article in New Scientist which says they've found a link between the chemicals in shampoo, and obesity.
For fuck's sake, if you're eating shampoo your weight's the least of your concerns.
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You'd be surprised how quickly the sales people at the DIY store try and assist you after ignoring you for the past 15 minutes when you try and start a chainsaw.
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Masturbation is classed as sinful by the Catholic Church.
Surely I'm balancing that by praying for the bus driver not to look around.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
Statistically, if you asked 100 girls from Essex to sleep with you, at least one would say no.
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Nigella Lawson's ex-husband, Charles Saatchi, is now seeing Trinny Woodall.
That's like moving from a comfy sofa to a park bench.
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So if the 'white widow' Samantha Lethwaite DID die a martyr in the Nairobi shopping mall attacks, is she now being gang-banged by 72 Muslim virgins?
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Successfully re-elected, highly regarded as a leading motor of European stability and prosperity, you can at least be sure Chancellor Angela Merkel didn't fuck her way to the top.
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According to 'The Hobbit', Gollum was once a normal man.
The biggest mistake he made was putting on that ring, which drained him of his youth, vitality, and energy.
I got one of those when I was married.
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Nigella Lawson's ex-husband, Charles Saatchi, is now seeing Trinny Woodall.
That's like moving from a comfy sofa to a park bench.
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So if the 'white widow' Samantha Lethwaite DID die a martyr in the Nairobi shopping mall attacks, is she now being gang-banged by 72 Muslim virgins?
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Successfully re-elected, highly regarded as a leading motor of European stability and prosperity, you can at least be sure Chancellor Angela Merkel didn't fuck her way to the top.
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According to 'The Hobbit', Gollum was once a normal man.
The biggest mistake he made was putting on that ring, which drained him of his youth, vitality, and energy.
I got one of those when I was married.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
I'm a gay Jehovah's Witness.
I'll only knock on your back door.
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Average weight of men is 74kg and that of women is 59kg.
Fucking hell, I didn't know that working brains weighed 15kg more.
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I always tell people I work for the United Nations.
It's a better way of saying I'm U.N.employed.
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My girlfriend wears so much foundation, I need planning permission to cum on her face.
I'll only knock on your back door.
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Average weight of men is 74kg and that of women is 59kg.
Fucking hell, I didn't know that working brains weighed 15kg more.
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I always tell people I work for the United Nations.
It's a better way of saying I'm U.N.employed.
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My girlfriend wears so much foundation, I need planning permission to cum on her face.
K0rN_b4LL
[14] Master
Scientists have discovered that diarrhea is actually hereditary.
It runs in your "jeans".
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It runs in your "jeans".
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K0rN_b4LL
[14] Master
A conversation between Tony Romo and his son.
Son: "Dad, what is a Super Bowl?"
Romo: "I don't know son, I play for the Cowboys."
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Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church.
Everyone looks at you in disgust but deep down inside they really want some too.
Son: "Dad, what is a Super Bowl?"
Romo: "I don't know son, I play for the Cowboys."
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Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church.
Everyone looks at you in disgust but deep down inside they really want some too.
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BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
Sweet dreams are made of cheese...
Who am I to dis a Brie?
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A Saudi sheikh has warned that women shouldn't drive because it damages their ovaries and pelvis.
I say women shouldn't drive because it damages other motorists, pedestrians and street fittings.
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Chocolate bars.
Because the black community need somewhere to drink socially.
Who am I to dis a Brie?
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A Saudi sheikh has warned that women shouldn't drive because it damages their ovaries and pelvis.
I say women shouldn't drive because it damages other motorists, pedestrians and street fittings.
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Chocolate bars.
Because the black community need somewhere to drink socially.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
I'm starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
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Three words to ruin a man's ego:
"Is it in?"
Three words to ruin a woman's ego:
"I don't know."
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Three words to ruin a man's ego:
"Is it in?"
Three words to ruin a woman's ego:
"I don't know."
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
When I was a teenager my mum always used to say that my room was so messy that I'd never get any 'self respecting girl' to go in there.
Luckily those weren't the girls I was after.
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I just dropped my glasses down the toilet. Now I can't see for shit.
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I was in a sex shop the other day when I saw a dildo that was described as 9 inches long and realistic.
I thought to myself: Well, which one is it?
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The US Government has shut down.
A lot of people are asking: How will America get by without an effective government?
Same as they did yesterday, I guess.
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I don't think any less of my daughter for being a lesbian.
In fact, I probably think of her more.
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"Everyone wants to be accepted and liked, except for me, I don't give a flying fuck." posted my girlfriend on Facebook.
As she stared unblinkingly at the screen waiting for someone to 'like' it.
Luckily those weren't the girls I was after.
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I just dropped my glasses down the toilet. Now I can't see for shit.
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I was in a sex shop the other day when I saw a dildo that was described as 9 inches long and realistic.
I thought to myself: Well, which one is it?
---
The US Government has shut down.
A lot of people are asking: How will America get by without an effective government?
Same as they did yesterday, I guess.
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I don't think any less of my daughter for being a lesbian.
In fact, I probably think of her more.
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"Everyone wants to be accepted and liked, except for me, I don't give a flying fuck." posted my girlfriend on Facebook.
As she stared unblinkingly at the screen waiting for someone to 'like' it.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
America was not shut down properly. Would you like to start America in safe mode, with free healthcare & without the guns? (Recommended)
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There are times when I ask myself why I'm throwing my life away.
But then I cheer myself up by watching funny cat videos on the internet.
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There are times when I ask myself why I'm throwing my life away.
But then I cheer myself up by watching funny cat videos on the internet.
K0rN_b4LL
[14] Master
Would a Lion cheat on his wife?
No, but a Tiger Wood.
No, but a Tiger Wood.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
If electricity always follows the path of least resistance, why doesn't lightning only strike in France?
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As a homophobic, racist, paedophile I can safely say...
Nothing.
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After losing her negligence trial, AEG have as a measure of goodwill agreed to pay Catherine Jackson the sum of $6200.
It's not enough to put Michael's children through college but she will be able to afford a herd of cows.
That will give her something to milk for the foreseeable future.
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As a homophobic, racist, paedophile I can safely say...
Nothing.
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After losing her negligence trial, AEG have as a measure of goodwill agreed to pay Catherine Jackson the sum of $6200.
It's not enough to put Michael's children through college but she will be able to afford a herd of cows.
That will give her something to milk for the foreseeable future.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
So Sinead O'Connor wrote a letter to Miley Cyrus warning her not go off the rails.
She's also written a letter to JFK that says 'duck', and one to the employees of the World Trade Centre warning them not to go in on September 11.
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Two 14-year-old Muslim boys have been suspended from school in Accrington for refusing to shave off their beards.
The head teacher said, "We will not tolerate a school environment where it's impossible to tell the boys from the girls."
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I see Apple is working on new 3-D technology that can be seen without special glasses, but it's not ready yet.
So if you want to experience 3-D without having to wear 3-D glasses, try going outside and fucking looking at something.
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What's the worst thing about killing your wife?
It's a one-off.
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After hearing on the news about 4-year-old Hamzah Khan being starved to death by his own mother, I thought I had to do something about it.
So I made myself a sandwich. It's what he would have wanted.
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I've got a penis like a gun.
It's an oozy 9mm.
She's also written a letter to JFK that says 'duck', and one to the employees of the World Trade Centre warning them not to go in on September 11.
---
Two 14-year-old Muslim boys have been suspended from school in Accrington for refusing to shave off their beards.
The head teacher said, "We will not tolerate a school environment where it's impossible to tell the boys from the girls."
---
I see Apple is working on new 3-D technology that can be seen without special glasses, but it's not ready yet.
So if you want to experience 3-D without having to wear 3-D glasses, try going outside and fucking looking at something.
---
What's the worst thing about killing your wife?
It's a one-off.
---
After hearing on the news about 4-year-old Hamzah Khan being starved to death by his own mother, I thought I had to do something about it.
So I made myself a sandwich. It's what he would have wanted.
---
I've got a penis like a gun.
It's an oozy 9mm.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
The difference between 0 and 1 never seems like a lot unless you're working with binary or trying to set your computer volume when watching porn.
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I've got some great advice for women, on what to do if a man is just using you for sex.
Use him for sex at the same time and stop fucking moaning about it.
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Nothing's more frustrating than when a girl you're deeply attracted to tells you she thinks of you as a brother.
Unless she says it in a Norfolk accent.
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I wanted to test out religious tolerance in the UK, so first I stood outside a Church dressed as a Roman soldier and nobody cared.
Then I went to a synagogue dressed as Hitler, they were quite cross and told me to leave politely, but firmly.
And now, nine miles from my nearest Mosque, I'm having a Bacon sandw
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I've got some great advice for women, on what to do if a man is just using you for sex.
Use him for sex at the same time and stop fucking moaning about it.
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Nothing's more frustrating than when a girl you're deeply attracted to tells you she thinks of you as a brother.
Unless she says it in a Norfolk accent.
---
I wanted to test out religious tolerance in the UK, so first I stood outside a Church dressed as a Roman soldier and nobody cared.
Then I went to a synagogue dressed as Hitler, they were quite cross and told me to leave politely, but firmly.
And now, nine miles from my nearest Mosque, I'm having a Bacon sandw
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
If there's one thing I've learnt from Formula 1 over the past 2 decades, it's the German national anthem.
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North Korea have agreed to suspend their nuclear programme.
They've seen an episode of 'The Only Way Is Essex' and decided our society's fucked without their intervention.
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My girlfriend and I were having an open discussion about sexual fantasies.
She said she was fine with anal but it made her want to shit...
Which led us to my next fantasy.
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You'd think the police would patrol this 'Knifepoint' place more carefully with all the rape that seems to go on there.
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North Korea have agreed to suspend their nuclear programme.
They've seen an episode of 'The Only Way Is Essex' and decided our society's fucked without their intervention.
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My girlfriend and I were having an open discussion about sexual fantasies.
She said she was fine with anal but it made her want to shit...
Which led us to my next fantasy.
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You'd think the police would patrol this 'Knifepoint' place more carefully with all the rape that seems to go on there.