K0rN_b4LL
[14] Master
I am so going to hell. XD
Jokes thread
- Thread starter Blade_edge
- Start date
I am so going to hell. XD
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
If the Scottish fail to gain independence, maybe the UK should show its unity by creating a new country, to replace England and Scotland.
As a symbol of collaboration between these nations, this new country should combine the first three letters of England and the last four letters of Scotland.
---
Have you heard about the new treatment doctors are prescribing depressed lesbians?
It's called Trydicagain.
As a symbol of collaboration between these nations, this new country should combine the first three letters of England and the last four letters of Scotland.
---
Have you heard about the new treatment doctors are prescribing depressed lesbians?
It's called Trydicagain.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
I am glad Facebook is back up after crashing this morning as I wasn't able to cure terminal illnesses with likes.
---
Ian Wright is leaving Rio to go back to his wife and kids.
I had no idea he was gay.
---
My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore.
When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two-inch gash in the back of her dad's head.
---
You know your child porn addiction is getting out of control when you start wanking to ultrasounds.
---
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
---
Ian Wright is leaving Rio to go back to his wife and kids.
I had no idea he was gay.
---
My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore.
When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two-inch gash in the back of her dad's head.
---
You know your child porn addiction is getting out of control when you start wanking to ultrasounds.
---
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
Domestic Violence - because a man shouldn't have to repeat himself.
K0rN_b4LL
[14] Master
My German plumber accidentally hooked up a gas line to my shower.
I guess old habits die hard.
I guess old habits die hard.
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BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
Francesca Anobile had 15 GCSEs graded A or A*.
Physics must not have been one of them.
---
Ever think Trojan may have picked the wrong name? A nation who let a piece of wood enter their realm without caution, which then discharged its devastating load overnight? For condoms?
Physics must not have been one of them.
---
Ever think Trojan may have picked the wrong name? A nation who let a piece of wood enter their realm without caution, which then discharged its devastating load overnight? For condoms?
K0rN_b4LL
[14] Master
I'm not convinced that faith can move mountains.
But I have seen what it can do to skyscrapers.
But I have seen what it can do to skyscrapers.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
Chivalry is so not dead. Most guys ask where you want it when they cum.
K0rN_b4LL
[14] Master
There are four states of being in a relationship.
Hand-in-Hand,
That-in-Hand,
Hand-in-That,
and That-in-That.
---
Someone asked me about my view on lesbians.
Apparently "in HD" wasn't the answer they were looking for.
Hand-in-Hand,
That-in-Hand,
Hand-in-That,
and That-in-That.
---
Someone asked me about my view on lesbians.
Apparently "in HD" wasn't the answer they were looking for.
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BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
Drugs don't ruin your career.
Drug tests do.
Drug tests do.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
How many of us, after taking a shit, look at the toilet paper after we wiped?
How do the blind cope?
How do the blind cope?
K0rN_b4LL
[14] Master
My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday.
They bought me a Rolex, I think they misunderstood what I meant when I said "I wanna watch."
They bought me a Rolex, I think they misunderstood what I meant when I said "I wanna watch."
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
Nigerian atheist 'ruled mentally ill'.
Apparently he has no desire to rape 13 year old girls, dress his wife in bin liners, or blow himself up.
Fucking weirdo.
---
I fitted a mirror to our bedroom ceiling but it came crashing down when the wife and I were shagging.
Whilst in hospital the nurse said, "Who was on top?"
"She was," I replied.
"I see," said the nurse. "She has several lacerations to her head, back and legs, but could you explain how she managed to dislocate her jaw?"
"Nobody criticises my DIY."
Apparently he has no desire to rape 13 year old girls, dress his wife in bin liners, or blow himself up.
Fucking weirdo.
---
I fitted a mirror to our bedroom ceiling but it came crashing down when the wife and I were shagging.
Whilst in hospital the nurse said, "Who was on top?"
"She was," I replied.
"I see," said the nurse. "She has several lacerations to her head, back and legs, but could you explain how she managed to dislocate her jaw?"
"Nobody criticises my DIY."
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
Why is it called necrophilia and not sexual intercorpse?
---
I've decided to set up an organisation to bring the UK's black and white residents closer together in a bid to create better communal harmony and bring an end to racism.
And it will be called the National Institute for the Generation of Greater Ethnic Relations.
---
I've decided to set up an organisation to bring the UK's black and white residents closer together in a bid to create better communal harmony and bring an end to racism.
And it will be called the National Institute for the Generation of Greater Ethnic Relations.
K0rN_b4LL
[14] Master
A seven year old boy was at the center of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communication issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we're not as connected as she'd like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and was tired after a long day of work.
So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
---
The England players are saying they need to play less football.
They did. In the World Cup.
---
If everyone used the Suarez excuse:
Zidane: "I fell into Materazzi."
Cantona: "I slipped into a fan."
Giggs & Terry: "I fell into your wife."
---
I asked my date last night, "What's your favourite flavour of ice-cream?"
She said, "They're all the same to me. I lost my sense of taste years ago, when I fell over and hit my head at a Coldplay concert."
I replied, "Coldplay? Are you sure you had a sense of taste to begin with?"
---
I went up to this fat bird in the pub last night.
"You're a big lass, aren't you?" I said.
"Tell me something I don't know," she replied with a tear in her eye.
"Salad tastes nice."
---
I can't tell the difference between Lynx deodorants, they're all the same to me.
They should rename them Chynx.
So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
---
The England players are saying they need to play less football.
They did. In the World Cup.
---
If everyone used the Suarez excuse:
Zidane: "I fell into Materazzi."
Cantona: "I slipped into a fan."
Giggs & Terry: "I fell into your wife."
---
I asked my date last night, "What's your favourite flavour of ice-cream?"
She said, "They're all the same to me. I lost my sense of taste years ago, when I fell over and hit my head at a Coldplay concert."
I replied, "Coldplay? Are you sure you had a sense of taste to begin with?"
---
I went up to this fat bird in the pub last night.
"You're a big lass, aren't you?" I said.
"Tell me something I don't know," she replied with a tear in her eye.
"Salad tastes nice."
---
I can't tell the difference between Lynx deodorants, they're all the same to me.
They should rename them Chynx.
K0rN_b4LL
[14] Master
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
Looks like KFC are going to have to find a new logo.
---
"Haha! I'm fucking ROFL!"
Said Mr Harris' dyslexic cell mate.
---
The latest household name to be convicted under Operation Yewtree will probably get a token 2 or 3 year prison sentence.
Is this what has become of justice in this country? In the good old days they'd have stuck him on the next boat to Australia.
---
I find all these obese jokes horrible.
Don't you think they have enough on their plate?
---
"Haha! I'm fucking ROFL!"
Said Mr Harris' dyslexic cell mate.
---
The latest household name to be convicted under Operation Yewtree will probably get a token 2 or 3 year prison sentence.
Is this what has become of justice in this country? In the good old days they'd have stuck him on the next boat to Australia.
---
I find all these obese jokes horrible.
Don't you think they have enough on their plate?
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
Rolf Harris was Australia's Under-18 backstroke champion in the 1940s.
By the 1970s he had moved on to the Under-14 breaststroke.
By the 1970s he had moved on to the Under-14 breaststroke.
K0rN_b4LL
[14] Master
My wife told me she was like a fine wine that got better as it aged.
So I locked her in the cellar.
---
Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
So I locked her in the cellar.
---
Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
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