Imogen
[08] Mercenary
what should you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?
wipe it off and apologise
wipe it off and apologise
Jokes thread
- Thread starter Blade_edge
- Start date
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand.
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So Detroit is bankrupt and the unpaid police officers are considering going on strike.
In other news, OCP have built a robot police officer...
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So Detroit is bankrupt and the unpaid police officers are considering going on strike.
In other news, OCP have built a robot police officer...
K0rN_b4LL
[14] Master
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
Kim Kardashian's father was most famous as being one of O.J. Simpson's lawyers.
Which began the family tradition of getting black men off.
Which began the family tradition of getting black men off.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
The Queen has called St Mary's Hospital several times today looking for an update on the royal baby.
So far, four nurses have committed suicide.
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The estimated cost of raising the impending Royal baby up to the age of 18 will cost the taxpayer around £3.6m.
Making the birth pay per view would have easily covered that.
So far, four nurses have committed suicide.
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The estimated cost of raising the impending Royal baby up to the age of 18 will cost the taxpayer around £3.6m.
Making the birth pay per view would have easily covered that.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
I wonder how much maternity leave Kate Middleton will take before she goes back to doing nothing.
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A royal baby was born yesterday.
Considering how much we spend on the Royal Family, so were we.
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The last time I had sex with my wife, I filmed it.
On Betamax.
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A royal baby was born yesterday.
Considering how much we spend on the Royal Family, so were we.
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The last time I had sex with my wife, I filmed it.
On Betamax.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
I ordered a leather sofa off the Ikea website last week.
They sent me a dead cow and some instructions on how to skin it.
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So finally the pope has spoken out against the legalization of drugs.
About time, drugs make you see and believe things that aren't real.
They sent me a dead cow and some instructions on how to skin it.
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So finally the pope has spoken out against the legalization of drugs.
About time, drugs make you see and believe things that aren't real.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
The Chinese government have decided to ban Despicable Me 2. They don't want their own yellow minions getting any ideas.
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Why did Kate, Will and George cross the road?
Fuck knows! But the Daily Mail have dedicated their first 30 pages to it.
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I'm not saying I hate my boss or anything.
But I'm pretty sure I look forward to her going on holiday more than she does.
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There's got to be some advantages to being in a gay relationship.
I mean... imagine having an argument you could actually win.
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Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters listen up...
You hang in there, we're liking Facebook posts as fast as we possibly can!
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Why did Kate, Will and George cross the road?
Fuck knows! But the Daily Mail have dedicated their first 30 pages to it.
---
I'm not saying I hate my boss or anything.
But I'm pretty sure I look forward to her going on holiday more than she does.
---
There's got to be some advantages to being in a gay relationship.
I mean... imagine having an argument you could actually win.
---
Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters listen up...
You hang in there, we're liking Facebook posts as fast as we possibly can!
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
I for one hope that the porn industry start a campaign to get the Daily Mail banned.
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Having sex with a teacher for better test scores is not degrading.
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Having sex with a teacher for better test scores is not degrading.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
"I wish we were a couple like Justin and Selena," I said to my girlfriend.
"Get with it," she said, "they've split up."
"OK, then Heidi and Seal."
"They've split up too!"
"OK, then like Justin and Britney."
"They split up 10 years ago!"
"Hmm," I said, "you're not fucking getting it, are you?"
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At this rate Nelson Mandela will be portraying Morgan Freeman's final moments.
"Get with it," she said, "they've split up."
"OK, then Heidi and Seal."
"They've split up too!"
"OK, then like Justin and Britney."
"They split up 10 years ago!"
"Hmm," I said, "you're not fucking getting it, are you?"
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At this rate Nelson Mandela will be portraying Morgan Freeman's final moments.
Hot Rod Dave
"Saucy saucy minx"
Is it normal for my left nipple to be bigger than the other two?
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
My 5-year-old daughter caught me shaking my cock after a piss.
"Daddy, when will I get one of those to play with?" she said with a cute smile.
I laughed and said, "Probably when your 16 sweetheart."
"Why do I need to wait until then daddy?" she replied.
Again I laughed and said, "Because daddy isn't a sick paedo."
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"I love you babe, you go on and hang up first."
"I love you more snookums, you hang up first. "
"I love you infinity more, now you hang up first my little sweetheart."
NSA: "For fucks sake, both of you hang the fuck up!"
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A lamb follows Mary to school and they write a nursery rhyme.
But, when I do it...
"Daddy, when will I get one of those to play with?" she said with a cute smile.
I laughed and said, "Probably when your 16 sweetheart."
"Why do I need to wait until then daddy?" she replied.
Again I laughed and said, "Because daddy isn't a sick paedo."
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"I love you babe, you go on and hang up first."
"I love you more snookums, you hang up first. "
"I love you infinity more, now you hang up first my little sweetheart."
NSA: "For fucks sake, both of you hang the fuck up!"
---
A lamb follows Mary to school and they write a nursery rhyme.
But, when I do it...
Sir
[10] Knight
Okay, 90% of my jokes are racist towards blacks and jews. So.....HERE GOES NOTHING.
what did the jewish pedophile say?
hey little boy. would you like to BUY some candy?
what did the little german boy get for Christmas?
a G.I. jew, and an easy bake oven.
how many jews can you fit in a sedan?
2 in the front, 2 in the back. 57 in the ash tray!
how do you get a jewish girls number?
roll up her sleeve
how do you pick up a jewish woman?
use a broom and a dust pan!
who was the best baker in Germany?
hitler!
why do jews have huge noses?
because the air is free!
my great, great, grandpa died at Auschwitz.....
he fell off his gaurd tower laughing!
oh boy I bet you did NAZI these coming
to be honest these jokes really put me out of MEIN KAMPfert zone
these jokes are really bad, ANNE FRANKLY im tired of them.
so don't worry guys, AUSHWITZ IT UP. ( black jokes time)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the worst thing you can call a black guy that starts with an "n" and ends with a "r"?
Neighbor!
how many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
none! they would just beat the room for being dark!
what do you get when you cross a black guy and an octopus?
I don't fucking know, but it sure can pick a lot of cotton!
why do black guys have big dicks?
because god felt sorry for putting pubes on their head.
what is the difference between a pair of jeans, and an African?
jeans only have one fly on them!
what do niggers and sperm have in common?
only one in a million work!
what do you get when you cross a Mexican with a nigger?
someone who is too lazy to steal
how does a black women fight crime?
she gets an abortion!!
have you ever had Ethiopian food?
neither have they!
what do you call a black guy with a peg leg?
shit on a stick!
okay guys, im done. save the rest of my jokes for later
what did the jewish pedophile say?
hey little boy. would you like to BUY some candy?
what did the little german boy get for Christmas?
a G.I. jew, and an easy bake oven.
how many jews can you fit in a sedan?
2 in the front, 2 in the back. 57 in the ash tray!
how do you get a jewish girls number?
roll up her sleeve
how do you pick up a jewish woman?
use a broom and a dust pan!
who was the best baker in Germany?
hitler!
why do jews have huge noses?
because the air is free!
my great, great, grandpa died at Auschwitz.....
he fell off his gaurd tower laughing!
oh boy I bet you did NAZI these coming
to be honest these jokes really put me out of MEIN KAMPfert zone
these jokes are really bad, ANNE FRANKLY im tired of them.
so don't worry guys, AUSHWITZ IT UP. ( black jokes time)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the worst thing you can call a black guy that starts with an "n" and ends with a "r"?
Neighbor!
how many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
none! they would just beat the room for being dark!
what do you get when you cross a black guy and an octopus?
I don't fucking know, but it sure can pick a lot of cotton!
why do black guys have big dicks?
because god felt sorry for putting pubes on their head.
what is the difference between a pair of jeans, and an African?
jeans only have one fly on them!
what do niggers and sperm have in common?
only one in a million work!
what do you get when you cross a Mexican with a nigger?
someone who is too lazy to steal
how does a black women fight crime?
she gets an abortion!!
have you ever had Ethiopian food?
neither have they!
what do you call a black guy with a peg leg?
shit on a stick!
okay guys, im done. save the rest of my jokes for later
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
You call it armed robbery.
I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun.
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Some say all Chinese look the same, well I disagree.
My special fried rice looks fuck all like my prawn toast.
I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun.
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Some say all Chinese look the same, well I disagree.
My special fried rice looks fuck all like my prawn toast.
Hot Rod Dave
"Saucy saucy minx"
I swear my day doesnt go right if I dont have a joke from BlackDragon to read. Its literally like a daily ritual for me. I fuckin love you and shit!!
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
I've been playing a few pranks on the missus recently. Last night I replaced her sleeping tablets with laxatives just before we got into bed.
Unfortunately it back fired on me.
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My kids are at that awkward age at the moment.
Too old to be cute and too young to kick out of the fucking house.
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So compared to his predecessors, Pope Francis has a more relaxed stance when it comes to homosexuality.
I suppose that helps it slide in more easily.
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My mum caught me going through her drawers and sniffing her knickers.
"Go to your room immediately and think about what you've done," she yelled.
So I did.
Which resulted in a wank.
Unfortunately it back fired on me.
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My kids are at that awkward age at the moment.
Too old to be cute and too young to kick out of the fucking house.
---
So compared to his predecessors, Pope Francis has a more relaxed stance when it comes to homosexuality.
I suppose that helps it slide in more easily.
---
My mum caught me going through her drawers and sniffing her knickers.
"Go to your room immediately and think about what you've done," she yelled.
So I did.
Which resulted in a wank.
Norik
[14] Master
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
"I've got a horrible cold," complained my girlfriend. "I can't taste or smell anything."
Brilliant, I thought as I unzipped my trousers. The final two excuses for not giving me a blow job are no longer valid.
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Whenever my mate Dave starts stuttering, I always try and lighten the mood.
By pretending to scratch invisible turntables.
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As a gamer, I don't fear dying; I fear a stranger tea-bagging my corpse.
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They say penis size doesn't matter because you can use your fingers instead
However, nobody on the other side of the local glory holes seems interested in my hand.
Brilliant, I thought as I unzipped my trousers. The final two excuses for not giving me a blow job are no longer valid.
---
Whenever my mate Dave starts stuttering, I always try and lighten the mood.
By pretending to scratch invisible turntables.
---
As a gamer, I don't fear dying; I fear a stranger tea-bagging my corpse.
---
They say penis size doesn't matter because you can use your fingers instead
However, nobody on the other side of the local glory holes seems interested in my hand.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
The best part going to the dentist was the fact he put me to sleep before extracting my tooth.
The worst part was getting back to mine and finding out my boxers were on backwards.
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This enormous bitch came up to me at the bar last night, she said:
"You might not remember me stud, I've put on a bit of weight recently, but we used to go out years ago."
"Wow... seeing you reminds me of The Matrix" I said.
"Because I'm the one?" she cooed.
"Nah" I replied, "I dodged a fucking bullet."
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I'm so ugly, when I wank I pretend I'm somebody else.
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My fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation.
We now sell smoothies.
The worst part was getting back to mine and finding out my boxers were on backwards.
---
This enormous bitch came up to me at the bar last night, she said:
"You might not remember me stud, I've put on a bit of weight recently, but we used to go out years ago."
"Wow... seeing you reminds me of The Matrix" I said.
"Because I'm the one?" she cooed.
"Nah" I replied, "I dodged a fucking bullet."
---
I'm so ugly, when I wank I pretend I'm somebody else.
---
My fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation.
We now sell smoothies.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
I was going to buy lottery tickets on the way home from work, but I was running late, so in order to save time I decided to throw my money out the window instead.
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You notice cultural differences when you travel around.
For example, 'Ya mama's so fat' insults are actually considered compliments in Ethiopia.
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I think my wife is a magician.
She can produce four different arguments out of one single glance at a pair of tits.
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I was trying to visit an anorexia website earlier.
Turns out to get it to work, you have to refuse to accept cookies.
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You notice cultural differences when you travel around.
For example, 'Ya mama's so fat' insults are actually considered compliments in Ethiopia.
---
I think my wife is a magician.
She can produce four different arguments out of one single glance at a pair of tits.
---
I was trying to visit an anorexia website earlier.
Turns out to get it to work, you have to refuse to accept cookies.