Funniest College Application Letter Ever.

DC97

DC97

[10] Knight
So i was scanning teh interwebz, as I have nothing better to do and I came across this. The student was applying to NYU and wrote this letter.


QUESTION 3A: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS THAT HAVE HELPED DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 30-minute brownies in 20 minutes.

I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello. I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire.

I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But, I have not yet gone to college.
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Every time I read it, it gets better.
 
The-Instigator said:
You're shitting me... a guy just randomly lies to the university without any proof and gets in... apparently, New Yorkers will accept anybody these days O_O.
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Creativity. Thats what you get into college with. Colleges get hundreds of thousands of letters and apps that look identical, catch the recruiters eye with something creative, and your in.
 
responses like this don't always work - I was cordially un-invited to apply to Harvard when my interview went something like this.

The assistant thought it was hilarious, the interviewer...not so much
 
Jesus said:
Creativity. Thats what you get into college with. Colleges get hundreds of thousands of letters and apps that look identical, catch the recruiters eye with something creative, and your in.
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Creativity is just another euphemism for lying, as far as I'm concerned these days. And if I sound pissy, you'll have to excuse me... listening to all the debate against health care for all Americans has made me short-tempered these days. Heh, what rich people (5% of America's population) will do to keep there couple of bucks... fucking pigs make me sick.
 
The-Instigator said:
Creativity is just another euphemism for lying, as far as I'm concerned these days. And if I sound pissy, you'll have to excuse me... listening to all the debate against health care for all Americans has made me short-tempered these days. Heh, what rich people (5% of America's population) will do to keep there couple of bucks... fucking pigs make me sick.
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I'm sure you realize there's alot more to it than that. There are alot of people against a government plan that aren't rich.
 
oddly enough this thread reminds me of a resume I put toether when a friend of mine asked me to apply for work at McDonalds a couple of years ago:


To Whom It May Concern
For some time now I have been studying predominantly under the 8 palm ninjutsu arts and have now become very proficient as an al purpose ninja. I am a Jonin rank ninja and belive that I will be of great benefit to you and whatever business it is you run. I will easily be able to kill of whatever competition or enemies you may have and make it look like an accident with no possibility of it being traced back to you whatsoever. My past is absolutely none of your concern as a ninja must remain as mysterious as possible to constantly keep deception at a peak. My abilities which will benefit you include but are not limited to:
• Being able to see and hear through walls
• Having a 360 field of vision
• Hit all 128 vital points in the body in less than 10 seconds
• Lift 200kgs on the bench press
• Punch with 1200kgs of preasure
• Conceal myself totally at will even in broad daylight
• Move through any type of terrain at up to 30km a hour without making a sound
• I can run on top of trees (also without making a sound)
• I can take 3+ Martial artists in open combat and win
• 100* accuracy up to 800m with Kunai knifes, Shruikens and ninja stars
• I can punch a kitten up to 800m in the air without hurting it
• I can talk to and befriend animals
• I ride around on a lion sometimes
• I can teleport myself up to 3km from my current location
• I know all 30 ninja hand signs
• I fight with over 200 different stances but usually use the 8 tri-gram exploding penis stance.
• I can clone myself up to 200 times for deceptive use (clones disappear eventually furthermore it is unlikely that you will ever even see my real body)
• I can dodge bullets the matrix was based on my exploits
• I have an IQ of 240
• I can sense Human emotion (such as murderous intent which may save your life!)
• I have absolutely no compassion whatsoever
Like I said I’m not going to tell you about my past however I would like you to consider me for employment as a ninja, awesome, Bodyguard, assassin, hospitality, reception motherfucker. Please get back to me! Personal questions I will answer?Yes im gay, No, no friends, iv killed 411 men to date and the religion I practice is Chuck Norrisism




Yeeeeah I went through a brief Naruto fixation. McDonalds never called back tho!
 
Nofacekill3r said:
I'm sure you realize there's alot more to it than that. There are alot of people against a government plan that aren't rich.
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You're right... I forget about those nutjobs who yell "SOCIALISM" every time Obama even utters the words 'health care reform'. Seriously, is it that bad that a health care plan that covers everyone in the United States that evil (to them)? We as Americans have spent our tax dollars on important things, like keeping murderers, rapists, and drug dealers off the streets and maintaining our prison system, for example, so why can't we shell out more for national healthcare?
 
The-Instigator said:
You're right... I forget about those nutjobs who yell "SOCIALISM" every time Obama even utters the words 'health care reform'. Seriously, is it that bad that a health care plan that covers everyone in the United States that evil (to them)? We as Americans have spent our tax dollars on important things, like keeping murderers, rapists, and drug dealers off the streets and maintaining our prison system, for example, so why can't we shell out more for national healthcare?
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The funny thing is... the people who are yelling "socialism" and "nazi's" and shit really don't fully understand what the plan is even about. They are just old and confused or young and ignorant.

Oh yeah, Um... Funny letter and stuff.
 
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