Jokes thread

Looks like Paul Walker has taken Heath Ledger's advice on how to get an Academy Award.
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Paul Walker has died in a car crash, leaving a void in his 14 year old daughters life.

Ian Watkins believes he can fill the gap.
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What's the difference between, the Scottish police, Paul Walker, A train in the Bronx and my computer.

When my computer crashes there's a chance of a recovery.
 
Dappy was recently hospitalised after being kicked in the head by a horse.

Music industry leaders are considering giving the 'Outstanding Contribution to Music' award to the horse.
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Well... Opened the 2nd door of my advent calendar this morning.

Wasn't expecting Tom Daley to come out.
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Where can I book one of those helicopter rides that drop you off at the pub?
 
So the Scottish Government are asking the UK what help they will be giving victims of the Glasgow helicopter crash.

Personally, I'd give them none.

There's your fucking independence for you.
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Following Tom Daley admitting he's gay, rumours are rife that his boyfriend is a fellow Olympian.

My money's on Fatima Whitbread.
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I'd say the current government represents my interests very well.

But then, I am a greedy selfish cunt.
 
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Girl comes into the pub with half her tits showing, I look at them, I'm the pervert...

I walk into the pub with half my cock showing... Girl looks at it... I'm still the pervert?
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1980s: Pac-Man - a bunch of pale white idiots with no personality and names like Pinky and Binky relentlessly pursue a guy who eats lots of pills and has no personality.

2013: Made in Chelsea.
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Nice to see Paul Walker really getting into the Christmas spirit.

He's currently decorating a tree.
 
'Nelson Mandela dies at 95'

Respect where it's due...

That's 5 miles an hour faster than Paul Walker.
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Nelson Mandela has died and there are tears in people's eyes.

And dollar signs in Morgan Freeman's.
 
Sky News: Nelson Mandela dies.

Daily Mail: Urban criminal dead.
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"OK, it's 5th December 2013 and our film 'Mandela: The Long Walk to Freedom' is opening tonight... What can we do to get maximum publicity for the film?

"...Anyone?"
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The Queen is said to be deeply saddened at the death of Nelson Mandela.

Prince Philip, however...
 
Say what you like about Nelson Mandela, but at least we won't have to hear in the news today how Nigella Lawson takes it up the nose, or how Tom Daley takes it up the arse.
 
People seem shocked that:

1. Nelson Mandela died aged 95.

2. Tom Daley is bi.

3. England probably won't win the World Cup.

I'm thinking of becoming a fortune teller.
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I saw my mate walking down the street hand in hand with some fat girl this afternoon.

I asked him, "Is she your girlfriend?"

Smiling, he said, "What gave it away?"

I replied, "A zoo, by the looks of it."
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There's no hiding from facts.

Although a church can be good camouflage.
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Idris Elba, the actor who plays Nelson Mandela, is asked what drew him to the role.

He said, "Its apartheid always wanted".
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Martin Luther King is waiting for Nelson Mandela as he gets to heaven.

"Welcome Mister Mandela, you have had a long and eventful life and done so much for our kind of people, I hope I was some kind of inspiration to you in your work."

"You were," replied Nelson, "I made sure I didn't get shot."
 
When does Tom take it up the ass?

Daley.
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Tom Daley has said it's important to abstain from sex before an important diving competition.

A gaping ass would whistle on the way down.
 
The helicopter that crashed into a Glasgow pub killing nine people could have destroyed a mosque a couple of hundred yards away.

And they wonder why the public have no faith in the police.
 
I've never understood why women love cats so much. They are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that a woman hates in a man they love in a cat.

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There are only three types of people who tell the truth.

Kids, drunk people, and people who are pissed the fuck off.
 
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies.

Is that a trick question?
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There's no place like home.

Unless you're an immigrant.
 
Middle Eastern countries' capitals can be hard to remember.

It helps to know that whatever happens, Amman will always be inside Jordan.
 
I begin tucking him into bed and he tells me, “Daddy check for monsters under my bed.” I look underneath for his amusement and see him, another him, under the bed, staring back at me quivering and whispering, “Daddy there’s somebody on my bed.”

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Don’t be scared of the monsters, just look for them. Look to your left, to your right, under your bed, behind your dresser, in your closet but never look up, she hates being seen.
 
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