Jokes thread

The internet is at is again. There were rumors that Justin Bieber would replace Paul Walker in the next Fast and Furious movie.
http://www.idesigntimes.com/article...ing-paul-walker-fast-furious-7-death-dies.htm


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Why did God create women?

Because hopes and dreams don't crush themselves.
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Show me a man who calls himself a vegan, and I'll show you a man who's trying to shag a vegan.
 
MTV has cancelled "Teen Mom."

I guess at least MTV knows when to pull out.

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He knows when you are sleeping,

He knows when you're awake,

He knows when you've been bad or good,

so welcome the new director of the NSA.


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RFA radio conversation:

Argentinian Air Defense Site-
"Unknown aircraft you are in Argentinian Airspace Identify"

Aircraft-
"This is a British Aircraft I am in Falkland Airspace"

Argentinian Air Defense Site-
"You are in Argentinian Airspace; if you do not depart our Airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft"

Aircraft-
"This is a Royal Air Force Tornado Fighter Aircraft send them up I'll wait"

Argentinian Air Defense Site-
(total silence)

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My dad found out I had an imaginary girlfriend.

He said, "You know, you could do better."

"Thanks dad, that means a lot," I replied.

"I was talking to your girlfriend."
 
Ronnie Biggs has died, aged 84.

This leaves National Rail as the last remaining Great Train Robber, with cheese sandwiches for £4.50.
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Justin Bieber has announced he is retiring from music.

And NOW it's Christmas.
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A group of Ian Watkins' girlfriends broke down in tears when the judge announced his thirty five year prison sentence.

But they were OK again when they had been fed and had their nappies changed.
 
"The REAL travesty today is that I found out "She got a bomb ass pussy so I better cut the green wire." isn't a Lil Wayne lyric yet."
 
I'm trying to do some research on Muhammad, but I think Google is fucked.

I searched "Paedophile Prophet", and all I got was news stories about some bloke called Ian Watkins.
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I did not know Britain had begun a new space mission.

"Hello Euston, this is Apollo. The ceiling has landed."
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Justin Bieber announces his retirement.

Ian Watkins is sent down for 29 years.

Fazer from N-Dubz is declared bankrupt.

All we need now is for D'Angelo to release his latest album, and this will be the best week in the history of music.
 
I had some tests done at the hospital recently and the doctor phoned today with the results. I said to him, "So, is it good news or bad?"

He replied, "Well, put it this way - have you ever considered visiting Disneyland?"
 
We declared war on drugs and more drugs came into the country. We declared war on terrorists and the terrorists became more prevalent in our country. Maybe we should declare war on jobs and money and see what happens.
 
I think we may have done this before but fuck it-

Last night I dreamed that I killed all the pants saggers, the swaggers, and their duck-faced girlfriends.

It was called the "Yolocaust."

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What's the main difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, but anal sex makes your hole weak!
 
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I've just seen the news about Muslim staff in M&S refusing to sell alcohol.

What next? Christian staff in B&Q refusing to sell nails and wood?
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I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said, "Wow!"

Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."
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I was in the process of preparing the Christmas turkey but it was getting a bit stressful.

I took a deep breath and asked myself, "What would Nigella do?"

So I smoked a joint and had two lines of cocaine.
 
2013 years and nine months ago, God visited the 12-year-old Virgin Mary in her sleep. When He left, she was bearing his one and only child.

It's only a matter of time before Operation Yewtree catches up with Him.
 
If you're ever disappointed with what you receive this Christmas, just remember that somewhere, someone is unwrapping a Tottenham shirt.
 
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