Jokes thread

'Katie Price gives birth to an eight week premature baby'.

It says a lot about the state of your vagina when even your own baby can't wait to get the fuck outta there.
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Every doctors' surgery should have a poster of Stephen Hawking.

Underneath it should be the logo:

"This man is not too disabled to work."
 
In a strongly worded statement the UN warns Syrian president Bashar al-Assad - if you use chemical weapons again, we will be forced to hold another meeting.
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I've just seen a girl choking on a cocktail sausage.

I went over to introduce myself.
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John Lennon said The Beatles were bigger than Jesus and some Christian shot him dead.

All we need to do is spread the rumour that One Direction said they were bigger than Mohammad and the problem should solve itself.
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'Terminally ill man loses right to die court battle'

He may have lost the battle but something tells me he'll eventually win the war.
 
I drove my car into a river and watched it turn into a mobile phone.

One minute, a Kia.

Next minute, Nokia.
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My computer takes so long to respond these days that it's only good for the United Nations now.
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Got chatted up by a large lady in the pub last night who asked, "So, what do you do?"

Responding with "Not fat chicks!" was totally worth the drink in the face.
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'One Direction - This Is Us' is in cinemas this week.

If you're into watching random images of cunts, save yourself some money and log onto Redtube.
 
Smartphone owners - that blurred bit just off the edge of the screen is called life.
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As a very wealthy Nigerian nowadays, I'm finding it extremely hard to give away my millions.
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Bought a really nice pair of curtains yesterday.

So nice, in fact, that I fucked them last night and wiped my cock on the wife.
 
If you've ever lost your iPhone, take solace in the thought that maybe - just maybe - some mouse family now has a flat-screen TV.
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My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what's happening.
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I lost my virginity at a very young age, it felt like I had gone from family cartoons to teenage sluts in no time at all.

Kinda like what Disney have done.
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Cheryl Cole's tattooist:

"Okay Cheryl, sit still while I apply this, erm... anti-septic cream."
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If a bear attacks you, play dead.

OK good, you're about to feel like this forever.
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At the last supper, Jesus takes the bread, blesses it, and says, "Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body."

He then proceeds to bless the wine and says, "Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood."

Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says, "You can fuck right off."
 
In Britain we used to drive on the left of the road.

Now we drive on what's left of the road.
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I saw a couple of youths outside a school today settling their differences with their fists. I thought, I'm not having this, this is the 21st century.

So I went over and handed one of them a knife.
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"I have a dream" - Martin Luther King Jr, 28 Aug 1963.

"I have a drone" - Barack Hussein Obama, 28 Aug 2013.
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Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones have announced their separation.

This is very distressing for Zeta Jones as it comes soon after her personal trainer, gardener and favourite pool boy were all diagnosed with throat cancer.
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I don't know why everyone is suddenly talking about twerking. My mate from Yorkshire has been doing it for years. As he says, it's how he gets t'money t'pay t'bills.
 
So, allegedly, the hereditary leader of North Korea had his ex-lover assassinated.

Thank goodness nothing like that could ever happen in the UK.
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So the Government told the Army to get all the cruise missiles lined up to fire at Syria, then a vote in the Commons determined we won't be going to war after all. The arms companies are disappointed by this turn in events, but are hopeful that another solution can be reached.

Tell you what, I wouldn't want to be a fucking badger this week.
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In Amsterdam you could watch live sex shows by paying 50 Euros.

That's nothing - in India, I watched a live rape just by buying a bus ticket.
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I'm not saying my wife is big, but when she lost her virginity, it wasn't so much deflowering as deforestation.
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If people think Barack Obama should keep his Nobel Peace Prize then Bashar al-Assad deserves the Nobel Prize for Chemistry.
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Some people don't like sausages or bacon.

These people are called terrorists.
 
My black neighbour is really upset because she's just found out she's having twins.

She should consider it a blessing because it's such a rare occurrence.

I mean how often does a black woman have 2 children by the same father?
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I think you should be allowed to smack children.

Especially other people's, in supermarkets.
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I lost my job as a gym instructor because I tried to motivate a black guy on the rowing machine.

He didn't like being whipped.
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Rolf Harris looks great for 83.

I wonder what his secret is.
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The Middle East.

Killing each other for thousands of years because they can't agree on what happens once you're dead.
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What's the difference between Gary Glitter and Rolf Harris?

Rolf lacks conviction.
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My boss walked straight up to my desk as I was watching porn today and said, "Do you think I pay people to do that?"

"Probably," I replied, "You're not exactly the best looking bloke in the world."
 
If it really is the thought that counts, I should be in prison.
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I ended up pissing all over my girlfriend during sex last night.

"What the fuck are you doing?" she spluttered.

"Faking an orgasm," I replied. "See how you fucking like it."
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My mate said, "What did you do last night?"

I said, "I watched the X Factor repeat on ITV."

He said, "It wasn't a repeat."

I said, "Yes it was. It was exactly the same as last year... fucking shite."
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When my girlfriend says she is having woman troubles...

I know she means "We".
 
So Sir David Frost died the same night as Keith Lemons version of 'Through The Keyhole' began.

Hey Keith, feel free to do your own version of 'Piers Morgan's Life Stories'.
 
Twerking and Selfie have been added to the dictionary.

Future and Optimism have been removed.
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It's often said that Britain has a 'special relationship' with the United States.

Well, what other kind of relationship can you have with a fucking retard?
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I've got a job at the Kit Kat factory.

We do fuck all.
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I know a guy who has one eye bigger than the other.

His name is Iain.
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I work for the world's largest nanotechnology company.

We're not very good.
 
I asked Jonathan Ross if he knew what currency they use in India.

He got really excited!
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Syria's President Assad referred to President Obama as weak.

Obama is so angry he plans to ask Congress for permission to come up with a good comeback.
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Drum 'n' bass takes two of my favourite things and adds a D and B in front of them.
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Samsung have unveiled the Galaxy Gear smart watch.

Apple is preparing to sue because it's a clear rip off something they haven't made yet but might at some point...
 
The Japanese flag is actually a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
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Summer is officially coming to an end and you know what that means...

All you half naked ladies are going to have to find a personality.
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So after invading Iraq to find non-existent weapons of mass destruction, then Afghanistan to find a terrorist that was at home in Pakistan all along, we are now planning to invade Syria to stop them using the weapons we sold them...

Sounds about right actually. I don't get what oil the fuss is about.
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How do you confuse a feminist?

Tell her that your wife wants the right to an abortion.

Then tell her it's because your wife doesn't want a girl.
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"70% of the people don't know how to use the superlative degree in English"

That's the most stupidest thing that I've ever heard.
 
Muammar al-Gaddafi, Bashar al-Assad, Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden...

One thing's clear, to be a top ranking tyrant or terrorist these days you've got to have two letter A's in your first name.

Barack Obama, you have my full support...
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"He looks just like his grandfather," is a typically cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world.

In Alabama, it's more of an accusation.
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Only 29% of Americans want the U.S. to attack Syria.

Which on the plus side means that 29% of Americans know there is a place called Syria...
 
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