Jokes thread

I always thought there was something fishy about Ian Watkins from Lost Prophets....

Now I know it was the smell of a 13 year old's snatch.

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A Connecticut teacher has been hailed a hero after she managed to hide fifteen kids.

Just goes to show, there's one rule for the US education system, another for Josef Fritzl.
 
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The Paralympic Games committee has today revoked the gold medal won by the Nigerian swimmer who had lost both of his arms.

Turns out it was actually a seal.
 
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My wife changed into her bikini at the beach, and stood posing in front of me. "Well?" she said, "I've lost a stone, can you see a difference?"

I picked up a pebble and tossed it in the ocean. "The beach has lost a stone," I said. "Can you see a difference?"

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As an unemployed paedophile I don't know where to send my CV...

The Vatican or the BBC?

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I can usually judge how attractive a woman is by how many times my wife calls her a whore.
 
Who visits millions of African children at Christmas while they are sleeping?

Death.

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My wife came home from work smiling from ear to ear. She had explained to me that 2 indian gentlemen had bowed and held the door open for her as she was leaving like she was some kind of royalty.

What she fails to realise, is that they see cows as sacred animals.

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My daughter has decided to do hair and beauty when she leaves school.

Basically she's thick as fuck.

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This guy told me he is the fastest cross dresser in the world.

I said, "Really?"

She said, "Yes."
 
"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."

"I'm sure it's not semen," she said. "It's probably yoghurt."

"It's definitely semen," I replied. "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."

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I've eaten so much over this Christmas period that I needed a midwife to help me take a shit.

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"So, Rihanna, why are you getting back with Chris Brown?"

"I don't know, beats me."

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I'm not saying my girlfriend's fat, but the first time she tried pole dancing, she snapped the pole and ended up taking all the fucking phone lines down with her.
 
I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart.

They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
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What's a necrophiliac's favourite position?

Decomposition.
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Louis Walsh has stared into more Japs eyes than Godzilla.
 
*At another forum*

-War Z gets pulled off of steam-
Person 1: Yea, rule number 1- Don't f**k with gamers!
Person 2: Thats rule 1? Thats why most of us havent gotten laid yet
 
Jerry Roberts, a member of Testery Section at Bletchley Park that broke the Tunny Code shortening World War II by two years saving millions of lives has been given an MBE, whereas the irritating Cherie Blair got the higher CBE.

A statement has been issued by Bletchley Park: NGFUCKI GRACEDIS
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I was just trying to explain to my 3 year old cousin why my dog is a 'her' not a 'him'.

Now my fingers smell and everyone's crying.
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Can you imagine a world with no sex? A world where you have to do everything for yourself? Where everything you say results in tears and arguing? And in that world you had to pretend to be delighted?

Well that world exists.

Just get your wife pregnant.
 
Kim Kardashian's baby will be the second thing that her vagina has given birth to.

The first was her career.
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Ladies, check out this really cool trick that will make you very popular with the guys.

Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip.

Now keep them like that.
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Scorpions are nature's way of saying "Fuck you. I'm gonna combine lobsters, spiders, wasps and nightmares."
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I had a quiet New Year's Eve. Nothing to drink, TV switched off by 8.00pm, then bed with a long sex session to end the night.

I fucking hate prison.
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The New Year reminds me of my relationship with my girlfriend.

I'm 20, she's 13.
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I found my son hanging in his bedroom this morning.

There was a note on his bed which read, "I can't take the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down and managed to revive him.

As he lay in my arms and slowly opened his eyes, I said, "That's not how you spell 'criticism'."
 
If women were labelled "heroes" instead of "sluts" for sleeping around so much, men would be having a lot more sex.

Someone fucked up here...
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The Dark Knight Rises.

Pretty much every time he sees Catwoman.
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If you're drinking more than a few energy drinks a day, it's time to man the fuck up and switch to cocaine.
 
My love is like a candle.

Because if you forget about me I will burn your fucking house to the ground.
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The satellite North Korea launched a couple of weeks ago is unstable, and could collide with several American and British satellites.

Or as North Korea calls it, the whole fucking point.
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"Anal bleaching".

Because some assholes need to lighten up.
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With all these protests going on in India over the gang rape death, who's manning the phones?
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To the lady in front of me.

It's a speed bump, not a fucking landmine.
 
BlackDragon37 said:
With all these protests going on in India over the gang rape death, who's manning the phones?
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Click to expand...

^THIS......There are times on the ol inter-webz where we TYPE "lol". But very seldom do we literally laugh out loud. That made me literally laugh out loud. And considering the shitty ass fuckin day Ive been having......I really needed that.

Thanx my british friend who I firmly believe to be a white boy and definetly NOT black!! Because straight up most black british people.....they aint fuckin funny. But U funny!!
 
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