Jokes thread

One reason men and women are different:

Say 'ballroom' to a woman, she thinks dancing.

Say 'ballroom' to a man, he thinks boxer shorts.
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Kim Kardashian has reported that she hasn't experienced any nausea or vomiting yet.

That's because the rest of the world is doing it for her.
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Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew that has to follow the Kardashians 24/7.
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I just hope our next world war isn't with China. Who would make uniforms for the troops?
 
My mate just said, "What's your favourite mythical creature?"

I said, "Those happy women in Tampax adverts."
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I said to the wife, "You haven't said a word all night, is there something wrong?"

"What do you care?" she spat.

"Well, if something is bothering you that much to shut you up, I want to know for future reference."
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I've done a lot of stupid shit in my life, but at least I've never signed up at the gym in January.
 
Even though our daughter died five years ago, my wife still gets upset whenever I say her name.

Especially during sex.
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I was watching my sister breastfeeding her baby and couldn't help getting a little turned on.

I mean, if that baby can suck a nipple, imagine what else it could do.
 
I'll never join one of those online dating services. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way.

Through alcohol and poor judgement.
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The main reason so many marriages fail is that it was created when people were lucky to live past 30.
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Thousands of stoners give up smoking weed to avoid having any association with Justin Bieber.

Cleverest.

Government.

Propaganda.

Ever.
 
Speaking as a 14 year old boy, whenever I read about all the wars and starving people in the world, I can't help thinking about tits.
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My nan survived everything Hitler threw at her.

Ironically, she'll probably die this winter from having a gas bill bigger than his.
 
My wife was choking on my cock last night.

Doesn't sound impressive until I add that I was doing her up the ass.
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It's amazing how many carrots fit into a girl's ass when you promise to match it in diamonds...
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How many members of the BBC does it take to change a lightbulb?

None - they prefer things to be left in the dark.
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If the rumours of Justin Beiber smoking weed are true, he'd finally have something in common with a musician.
 
"It's so pathetic I have to fake my orgasm with my husband to make him feel more comfortable as a man. Why do men have to have such fragile egos?"

Asked the woman in 3 inch heels with the fake tits, bright red hair and too much makeup.
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Jimmy Savile is accused of 416 attacks, 34 rapes, with victims aged 8 to 47 and there were 7 chances to stop this pervert.

He may have been a sick cunt, but he has helped me with my numbers for tonight's Lottery.
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A 17 Year old boy has been accused of raping a 14 year old girl.

Or as it is known at the BBC, Work Experience.
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What's the difference between a Jew and a Muslim?.

Who the fuck cares? More bacon for me!
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Mike and Bob are swimming when they see a pregnant woman drowning.
They quickly pull her to safety.
Mike starts giving her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Bob takes off the woman's panties and puts his mouth on her pussy.

Mike says, "THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"

Bob replies, "You save the mother, I'll save the child!"
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Hard to believe that another woman has been gang raped on a public bus in India.

Surely at least one of the other 674 passengers could have prevented it?
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Justin Bieber: "I was offered a part in the 50 Shades of Grey movie."

Now I haven't read 50 Shades of Grey, but I highly doubt Mr. Grey was a melodramatic teenaged faggot.
 
Good on Lance Armstrong for finally having the ball to come clean.
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Jeremy Kyle - "Benefit scroungers make me sick!"

Phillip Schofield from This Morning - "A nation on benefits is no nation at all."

Loose Women - "It's about time Britain got working and stopped sponging!"

...they say to their target-audience of single mums, OAP's, and those held at Her Majesty's Pleasure.
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So long HMV, you will be missed.

DVDRIP.
 
UK exclusive!

Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable.
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Went to the fridge to check my burgers...

aaaaannndddd they're off!
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I think someone may be sending me death threats.

Woke up this morning with a Tesco burger on my pillow.
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Tesco - Unexpected item in bagging area.

Yeah, a fucking horse.
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If you think the Horse Burgers in Tesco are bad, wait until you see their Unicorn on the Cob.
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I selected some burgers on the Tesco website...

I then clicked on "Add to cart".
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Tesco's veggie burgers are being tested for traces of uniquorn.
 
More UK exclusive:

Tourists in London never get used to the weather.

Rain, hail, snow, helicopters.
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Storks bring people into the world.

Cranes take them out.
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I was told by a friend this morning that Stevie Wonder was in London taking Helicopter lessons.

I was just wondering if anyone knew how he got on?
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Despite the closure of HMV and Blockbuster, you can still buy Steven Spielberg's 'War Horse'...

At the frozen food aisle in Tesco.
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My doctor told me I should watch what I eat.

So I've booked tickets for the Grand National in April.
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The BBC have just commissioned a new series about the life of Yorkshire Ripper Peter Sutcliffe.

Hoes Under The Hammer will start in early spring.
 
I think rape awareness is very important for women.

That's why I'm not going to drug them anymore.
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Don't try to understand women.

Women understand women and they hate each other.
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Apparently, Lincoln will be in theatres soon.

You'd think he'd have learned his lesson the last time.
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I've come up with a way to unite the Catholics and Protestants in Northern Ireland.

Send over a million Muslims.
 
People seem really upset about Lance Armstrong admitting to doping.

Personally I'm even more impressed. If I smoked dope, I wouldn't even get off the couch, let alone win a bike race.
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Golf ball sized hail wouldn't be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.

Do I have to think of everything?
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Thousands of dead fish have washed up on the coast of South Carolina.

Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns.
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Just a few words of advice for everyone in these snowy conditions, if the BBC ask you to send in pictures of you and your family having fun in the snow, don't do it.

It's just an excuse to get pictures of your kids.
 
If you stain your clothes whilst eating, don't panic. Get two bottles of white wine.

Drink them quickly and you won't give a fuck.
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I am so worried about I.D. theft I have changed my name to Lance Armstrong.

Nobody wants to be that cunt right now.
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If the snow falls in the forest...

Will London stop whining?
 
Why don't game developers take out the middle ring in game discs to fit in more graphics?
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My girlfriend thinks it's hilarious that my mates call me 'Kermit'.

She says they're implying that I'm a skinny, neurotic, pushover.

She doesn't know they only began calling me that when I started shagging that fat fucking pig.
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My girlfriend creeped me out by saying she wants to roleplay as a 14 year old girl.

I said "What's the rush, you're going to be 14 in a couple of years anyway!"
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I think snow may cure disabled people.

I've seen no one in a wheelchair since it started landing.
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I don't see why cot death is considered such a tragedy.

Just buy another cot.
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It's just my luck to drop my cocaine in this snowy weather.
 
Theres a british show ive been watching called "an idiot abroad". Has this guy doing bucket list things for that ricky guy and he has a "little" buddy named Warrick that travels with him (warrick played as willow in the 80's film).

But that guy is the most crybaby, whining pussy ive ever seen. Are all you brits that much of a joke?
 
BRV said:
Man sat behind a woman on the bus - "Excuse me, you have semen on your jacket."

Woman - Pardon? I'm sure it's just yoghurt.

Man - Nope, I don't ejaculate yoghurt.
Click to expand...

BlackDragon37 said:
"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."

"I'm sure it's not semen," she said. "It's probably yoghurt."

"It's definitely semen," I replied. "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."
Click to expand...

If women who sleep around too much were labelled heroes instead of sluts, men would be having a lot more sex with them.
Click to expand...

BlackDragon37 said:
If women were labelled "heroes" instead of "sluts" for sleeping around so much, men would be having a lot more sex.

Someone fucked up here...
Click to expand...

Jus' sayin'. :-P

A photo posted on Twitter of Justin Bieber's bare arse was exposed as a fake...

After somebody noticed that there wasn't a cock in it.
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My daughter admitted that she is having lesbian sex with her best friend.

As a reward for her honesty, I bought her a video camera.
 
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