Jokes thread

Muammar al-Gaddafi, Bashar al-Assad, Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden...

One thing's clear, to be a top ranking tyrant or terrorist these days you've got to have two letter A's in your first name.

Barack Obama, you have my full support...
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"He looks just like his grandfather," is a typically cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world.

In Alabama, it's more of an accusation.
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Only 29% of Americans want the U.S. to attack Syria.

Which on the plus side means that 29% of Americans know there is a place called Syria...


LMAO....I swear you throw these up at the perfect time. I fuckin love you man.
 
After performing an ultrasound scan, the doctor tells the expecting mother:

"I have some good news, and I have some bad news..."

He pauses for a reaction, than continues.

"The good news is that your child will never have a problem finding a parking spot."
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How do you console somebody with bad grammar skills?

There, their, they're.
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'Diana film slammed by the British press'

Just like the real Diana.
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Sat at the tea table, the little girl says "Dad, why am I called Chiquita?"

"Well," he starts, "It means "little gift". We only thought we'd have one child and you were our gift to the world."

"Dad," asks his other daughter, "why am I called Daniella?"

"Well," he sighs, "It means "miracle". We were only going to have one child but then you came along."

"Dad?" asks his third.

"Shut up, Tippex."
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I met a beautiful girl and we were getting on great until I asked her out for a drink and she stormed off.

I'm beginning to think that every woman you meet at AA is a lesbian.
 
Who led the Jews through a semi-permeable membrane?

Osmoses.
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There's a special place in my heart for deoxygenated blood.
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Finally, after 2,000 years of conflict, Israel and Syria finally agree on something:

Poison gas works.
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A Muslim, a Christian and a Jew walked into a bar.

So I got the fuck outta there quick!
 
Australia have just had a general election. The main concern is about the number of illegal immigrants there are.

Government sources suggest around 60,000.

Aboriginal sources say it's more like twenty two and a half million of the cunts.
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In an attempt to kill two birds with one stone, David Cameron announces that the RAF will commence dropping badgers on Syria from tomorrow.
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Everybody hates me because I'm bisexual.

Fuck 'em all.
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English literature GCSE multiple choice exam:

Q1: "To be or not to..."

1: A
2: B
3: C
 
Japan has revealed the mascot for the 2020 Olympic Games-
aeNb7Ym_460s_v1.jpg
 
I love my job as an anaesthetist.

Just as my patient is about to go under, I love to call them by the wrong name and tell them not to worry your vasectomy will be over shortly.
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My new girlfriend asked me to over to her flat for the first time so that she could show off her cooking skills. When she asked me if there was anything in particular I wanted to eat, I jokingly replied "Your pussy."

Sadly, I had forgotten two things:

1. She doesn't have a sense of humour.

2. She's Korean.
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If you use sarcasm with an American, they'll be confused for a day.

If you explain sarcasm to an American, they'll be confused for a lifetime.
 
I was disappointed when I met Whoopi Goldberg.

I sat on her and she didn't fart.
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Women on juries.

They'll lock a man up for life for stealing their money.

But they'll release a man from child rape charges so they can see if Kevin Webster and Sally can make it!
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"Apple iPhone 5C - For The Colourful".

White people can afford the 5S.
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I don't know why Americans make such a big fuss over 9/11.

It's not as if it was their idea.
 
What concert costs 45 cents?

50 Cent... featuring Nickleback.

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What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving?

Turkey.

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Why do Jewish men have to be circumcised?

Because a Jewish women wont touch anything unless it's 10% off

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How do you know someone has an iPhone 5S?

Don't worry, they'll let you know.
 
The iPhone 5S.

Because the government collecting our fingerprints has never been easier or trendier.
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The local vet had an accident and broke his leg. What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my days.

A horse turned up and shot him.
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To all those who have commiserated and sent their sympathies, the family of the late Ray Dolby would like to say: THX.
 
'Benjamin Button.'

'BENJAMIN WHO?'

'Benjamin'

'WHO'S THERE?'

'Knock knock!'
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I really admired my elderly neighbour's brief but excellent bongo playing last night.

In the morning, I went over to congratulate him but he was lying at the bottom of the stairs.
 
I was tossing and turning all night when at 5am the wife asked, "Can you not sleep?"

"No, I'm just so excited about Tuesday," I said.

"Aww, that's so sweet thinking about our anniversary," she said slipping her head under the covers to give me a blowjob.

I didn't have the heart to tell her I was talking about the release of GTA 5.
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I can't understand when people say they could shit through the eye of a needle.

When I have diarrhoea, I lack that kind of accuracy.
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I got hauled off a Ryanair flight on Friday morning for being drunk, and I spent the rest of the weekend in jail.

There was almost a riot on board after I'd left.

Apparently everybody else wanted an upgrade too.
 
As a child, I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.
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As kids, we always enjoyed dipping ginger nuts into hot cups of tea.

Of course, nowadays it's called "bullying".
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Grandma said that when she was young, she never had to worry about leaving her back door open.

What a slag!
 
So the media says GTA V will cause players to commit crime.

Bullshit, I've got the Coronation Street board game and I'm not a paedophile.
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Barack Obama has called the victims of Monday's mass shooting in Washington 'patriots'.

I agree. You can't get much more American than being shot for nothing.
 
My boss' coffee was so hot, I think I burnt my dick.
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Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis is, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, "lung disease caused by the inhalation of very fine sand and ash dust".

Yeah. Great, nice short words for someone who can hardly fucking breathe.
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A latest study from Oxford University says that one out of ten deaths are caused by red meat.

Which is fucking scary.

Because it means that nine out of ten people are killed by vegetables.
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"Three male teenagers arrested after man stabbed & robbed of 'Grand Theft Auto V' less than two hours after buying game".

Elsewhere a blue hedgehog was arrested after stealing rings from a jewellers.
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I bet my wife if she fell into the Grand Canyon she'd get stuck.

She didn't get stuck but I still won.
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I set up an internet page for Chinese Nazis.

So far it's got 3 Reichs on Facebook.
 
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