Tenchi8
[10] Knight
In the military, they don't allow women to parachute behind enemy lines without wearing a tampon. so they won't whistle when they fall. XD
Jokes thread
- Thread starter Blade_edge
- Start date
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
The BBC are thrilled with the figures for The Great British Bake-Off - 9.1 million.
3 Million more than The Great German Bake-Off.
3 Million more than The Great German Bake-Off.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
"There should be a law against how good you make me feel."
"There is, daddy."
"There is, daddy."
K0rN_b4LL
[14] Master
I spent a couple hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
Hurricane in the US: Board up the windows, get the sandbags in place, stock up on supplies, hide in the cellar and pray for salvation.
Hurricane in the UK: Ooh, better bring in the washing off the line.
---
My neighbour is such a snob.
I woke up this morning, looked out of the window and saw him showing off his new 30ft Christmas tree that he had on the roof of his car.
---
Look on the bright side. At least 'leaves on the line' is an acceptable excuse for cancelling trains when they are still attached to the trees.
Hurricane in the UK: Ooh, better bring in the washing off the line.
---
My neighbour is such a snob.
I woke up this morning, looked out of the window and saw him showing off his new 30ft Christmas tree that he had on the roof of his car.
---
Look on the bright side. At least 'leaves on the line' is an acceptable excuse for cancelling trains when they are still attached to the trees.
K0rN_b4LL
[14] Master
Why do orphans make terrible baseball players?
They don't know where home is.
They don't know where home is.
K0rN_b4LL
[14] Master
There was once a pregnant lady at a bank. There was a robbery and the lady was shot 3 times in the stomach. When at the hospital she asked the doctor "Doctor will my triplets be ok?" The doctor said "Yes but when they are 15 the bullets will leave their bodies."
15 years later-
Daughter #1: "Mom! I was pooping and a bullet came out!"
Mom: "Ok, sorry it happened." (Told her the story)
A little later-
Daughter #2: "Mom! I was peeing and I farted and a bullet fell into the toilet!"
Mom: "Ok!" (Told her the story)
A little later-
Son: "Uhhhhh....Mom?"
Mom: "Let me guess, you were pooping and a bullet came out?"
Son: "I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
15 years later-
Daughter #1: "Mom! I was pooping and a bullet came out!"
Mom: "Ok, sorry it happened." (Told her the story)
A little later-
Daughter #2: "Mom! I was peeing and I farted and a bullet fell into the toilet!"
Mom: "Ok!" (Told her the story)
A little later-
Son: "Uhhhhh....Mom?"
Mom: "Let me guess, you were pooping and a bullet came out?"
Son: "I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
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BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
The word for whore in Spanish is 'puta', in Italian it's 'puttana' and in French it's 'putain'.
I don't know what the word is in Russian, but I have my suspicions.
I don't know what the word is in Russian, but I have my suspicions.
Robert_J_King
Royal Impact Style
Q: Why is the judge in the Chris Brown case insisting Chris work at a Red Lobster?
A: So he can learn how to batter fish instead of women!
A: So he can learn how to batter fish instead of women!
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
What's the worst thing about having Ozzy Osbourne as a father?
It means there's a good chance you're Jack or Kelly.
---
There is speculation that the NSA even spied on the Pope.
Presumably to determine once and for all whether he is in fact a Catholic.
It means there's a good chance you're Jack or Kelly.
---
There is speculation that the NSA even spied on the Pope.
Presumably to determine once and for all whether he is in fact a Catholic.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
It's funny how axe handles are made of wood.
It's like the ultimate 'Fuck you' to trees.
---
God works in mysterious ways.
That's why he watches people masturbate rather than feeding the starving children in Africa.
---
Being called Alan, my two mates Gav and Ian were laughing because my name is an anagram of "anal".
If only I could think of some sort of come back...
It's like the ultimate 'Fuck you' to trees.
---
God works in mysterious ways.
That's why he watches people masturbate rather than feeding the starving children in Africa.
---
Being called Alan, my two mates Gav and Ian were laughing because my name is an anagram of "anal".
If only I could think of some sort of come back...
K0rN_b4LL
[14] Master
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will.
There is no need to remind him every six months about it.
There is no need to remind him every six months about it.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
This week, why not take the kids to see that film about the guy with the long hair and the hammer who's been sent to earth on a mission from the gods?
Who doesn't love Peter Sutcliffe?
---
"Fucking kids are expensive," I said.
"Is," replied my lawyer.
Who doesn't love Peter Sutcliffe?
---
"Fucking kids are expensive," I said.
"Is," replied my lawyer.
K0rN_b4LL
[14] Master
People always say that wearing black makes you look thinner.
I guess that's why so many fat white chicks have black boyfriends.
I guess that's why so many fat white chicks have black boyfriends.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
I choked on a gobstopper once, and came up with a name for a Welsh village.
---
Phone tapping allies, stopping peace talks in Pakistan, seizing 50% of South America's GDP, having great humanitarian schemes in Iraq like "Oil for food". Pissing the communists off to no end. Selling arms to people then a few years later going to war against them, dropping 2 FUCKING NUKES on Japan and raping Africa for 100 years after everyone else quit.
I don't think the American government is actually paranoid.
Everybody has a good reason to hate it.
---
What's America's worst nightmare?
Peace in the Middle East, it appears.
---
Man found hanged in his flat, 8 years after committing suicide.
Sorta proves his point, really.
---
The year is 2013. There are machines which can look through skin and see bones. There are machines which keep you alive when your brain and heart have stopped. There's even a machine that can tell you who your parents are with a single drop of spit.
However, when I need my prostate checking, a man sticks his finger up my asshole and wriggles it about a bit.
---
Sometimes I like to hide my wife's inhaler.
So the neighbours think I'm a stallion when they hear her panting "Give it to me!"
---
Phone tapping allies, stopping peace talks in Pakistan, seizing 50% of South America's GDP, having great humanitarian schemes in Iraq like "Oil for food". Pissing the communists off to no end. Selling arms to people then a few years later going to war against them, dropping 2 FUCKING NUKES on Japan and raping Africa for 100 years after everyone else quit.
I don't think the American government is actually paranoid.
Everybody has a good reason to hate it.
---
What's America's worst nightmare?
Peace in the Middle East, it appears.
---
Man found hanged in his flat, 8 years after committing suicide.
Sorta proves his point, really.
---
The year is 2013. There are machines which can look through skin and see bones. There are machines which keep you alive when your brain and heart have stopped. There's even a machine that can tell you who your parents are with a single drop of spit.
However, when I need my prostate checking, a man sticks his finger up my asshole and wriggles it about a bit.
---
Sometimes I like to hide my wife's inhaler.
So the neighbours think I'm a stallion when they hear her panting "Give it to me!"
K0rN_b4LL
[14] Master
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
My wife came back from town with Kerry Katona and Katie Price.
I said "You silly cow, I said get me a pair of slippers".
I said "You silly cow, I said get me a pair of slippers".
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
So here it is again - November the 5th, Bonfire night.
The one night of the year when the whole of the UK comes together with the lighting of bonfires, the letting off of fireworks and the burning of an effigy of Guy Fawkes, in celebration of the last time the British government found weapons of mass destruction.
---
Congratulations on India being the first country to send a rocket to Mars.
Before having a sewage system.
The one night of the year when the whole of the UK comes together with the lighting of bonfires, the letting off of fireworks and the burning of an effigy of Guy Fawkes, in celebration of the last time the British government found weapons of mass destruction.
---
Congratulations on India being the first country to send a rocket to Mars.
Before having a sewage system.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
My niece told me she wanted a rabbit for her birthday so I offered to send her one via special delivery.
"Well, it'll need lots of stamps!" She said.
It was great advice. Now it fits perfectly in the envelope.
---
Two 19 year old girls are getting slagged off in the papers today for winning a fancy dress competition dressed as the 'Twin Towers'.
I wasn't offended. I went dressed as Osama Bin Laden and fucked both of them.
"Well, it'll need lots of stamps!" She said.
It was great advice. Now it fits perfectly in the envelope.
---
Two 19 year old girls are getting slagged off in the papers today for winning a fancy dress competition dressed as the 'Twin Towers'.
I wasn't offended. I went dressed as Osama Bin Laden and fucked both of them.
BlackDragon37
[12] Conqueror
"I have a good body, my tits are nice, I shave my pussy, I suck your cock, I let you fuck me in the ass, and yet it's not enough, is it? You sit there watching porn with the sound off on the computer! Why? Why do you do this? Do you think I don't know what you are doing? What can you get out of those computer images of porn that you can't get out of me? Go on! Answer me!"
"Silence," I replied.
---
The ex-girlfriend I ditched at the altar six months ago marched up to me in the supermarket last night.
"Bastard," she yelled in my face, before grabbing the milk from my trolley and pouring it over my head. "This is from me, you cunt."
"Oh c'mon, you're being ridiculous now," I said, wiping my face. "That could be from ANY cow."
"Silence," I replied.
---
The ex-girlfriend I ditched at the altar six months ago marched up to me in the supermarket last night.
"Bastard," she yelled in my face, before grabbing the milk from my trolley and pouring it over my head. "This is from me, you cunt."
"Oh c'mon, you're being ridiculous now," I said, wiping my face. "That could be from ANY cow."